my rehoboth

(Genesis 26:22...a place for random thoughts!)

Saturday, December 12, 2009

my winter songs

hello!

for the past few weeks, i have really been missing the blogging world.

last year, jev and i started a blog together -which has two whole posts! - and i thought i'd begin posting there. but lately, i have been feeling the desire to be

here



again.

i heard this song a few weeks ago that has just been haunting me ever since.... its by sara bareilles and ingrid michaelson and i think it is sweet and lovely.

winter is such a mysterious time of year for us in the northern hemisphere. there is coldness and darkness and death - very little grows or blooms, because life is not supposed to survive the winter - and yet, we do.

the other day, jev and a friend and i were talking about christmastime and the way it feels so magical. it seems there could be many, many many reasons to explain this phenomenon.... but what was curious to us was the fact that our histories with christmas all varied quite significantly between the three of us - yet we could all so certainly agree on the sentiment we felt.

this is a difficult thing to objectively discuss because many people may have numerous other emotions associated with the holidays; the sadness of missing someone with whom they loved to share the holidays, the stress that comes from spending time with our broken families, the nauseaousness (new word!) of having to gulp down another torturous bite of aunt edna's fruitcake with a smile on your face... he he. not to mention the various cultural, religious, geographic, political....etc. differences to consider.

but from the perspective of our tiny little microcosm - our miniscule cross-section of white, middle-class, north american, judeo-christian experiences - we spoke of a curious,
inexplicable
hope.

i think it was jev who pointed out the ironic joy of celebrating in the face of the dead of winter.

what a miraculous thing to think we have made it through another chapter of death.

and yet, for most of us, december may just be the start to a very long winter - is it so odd that we are already celebrating, when the worst may be yet to come?

this christmas is not much unlike any other christmas for me, i like how sara bareilles put it - 'december never felt so wrong' - but as i look at twinkling lights on a tree or sip warm, fragrant spiced cider by a fire, i will know, without yet seeing, that we have survived another winter.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

going to the chapel

well, it has been once again far too long since my last blog entry. this has been my first real summer of complete freedom in many many years. i decided to take the entire summer quarter off, postponing next year's graduation by a quarter or two and i am so thankful i did. this time away from the busyness of school, the stress of studying and homework and tests and the refreshing taste of home has rekindled inside of me a fundamental knowledge of who i am. i am rediscovering the things that bring me joy and i am delighting in the smallest of details that have gone unnoticed for far too long. right now, at this very moment, i could tell you how many minutes the sun was out today, how many times i heard the thunder clap and what the mountains looked like at sunrise. i could tell you every morsel of food i enjoyed and every discussion i had with friends and family. i have called people that i haven't seen in years. i have written letters... REAL letters, you know, the kind with ink and paper and stamps and envelopes. i have laid in the grass and watched the clouds. i have curled up in a ball and counted shooting stars. i have played board games and laughed at late night episodes of the cosby show. i tried tapioca pudding for the first time and sampled homemade sangria made with love by my sweet husband-to-be.

ahh yes, that man. my love. the reason for all of this enjoyment and pleasure and joyful refreshment. in the midst of all my returning to myself there is a new epicenter of love and passion and peace and strength and hope. desires and dreams for the future are shaped around a new figure, dialogues of where i will go and who i will be have taken up a companion on the journey - and oh! what a journey it will be!

i could not have asked for a more beautiful love story, i could not have asked for a more perfectly matched partner for the ride. we are truly one another's yin and yang. as cliche as it has become, at night when i fall asleep i realize it is true that i can say to him - 'you, complete me.' we are complements and companions, we face one another to encourage and to challenge. there is such beauty in what is created when we share our worlds with each other. it is as if a whole entire universe all its own is created when we are in one another's presence.

oh what a joy it will be to see where this new universe takes us!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

single white fiancée

it is true that i feel like a walking paradox. on the one hand, my human soul feels complete. my feet have landed somewhere beautiful and i don't ever want to part from this place. i am truly, deeply in love with my soul's counterpart. my yin has discovered its yang -- in the broadest of generalizations. and yet i live a life of total singlehood in my day to day life. at a bridal shower, a dear friend told me that although her season of singleness may not be the path she would have voluntarily chosen, she was making the most of the season - even celebrating it - commenting on how few people really know how to be single. i thought it was an interesting perspective, i applauded her creative approach and wondered if i were still single would i do singleness well?

and then, just the other day i was walking to the grocery feeling quite entitled to a bout of gloominess as i longingly missed my fiancé from across the pacific and wished terribly that he could be walking beside me, enjoying the sunshine and the refreshing breeze. i passed a coffee shop where a young woman about my age sat in the window cheerfully enjoying a tasty treat, smiling off into the distance and i was immediately struck - 'why am i not smiling like her?' i wondered to myself. there, was a perfectly, wonderfully, happy, content, single woman not much older than myself reveling in the moment, appearing so full of companionship as she enjoyed the afternoon to herself... i then turned the corner and glanced back only to see her (who i would assume to be) boyfriend lovingly stroking her hand from across the table. ah! he he...at that moment i decided i can't wait any longer for the example of another, its time i start doing singlehood well. and so i went to pcc where i purchased a raw carob mousse - which turned out to be a mistake... only go for the coconut carob, it is much tastier! and walked myself home with determination to savor the very unique flavor of being a very fiancéed, but often very single woman.

i have to say, for myself, one of the greatest entrenchments of single living is the tendency for loneliness. it is a moment by moment battle to create a sacred space in which to exist that does not soon become incurred upon by the world and suddenly the most immediate and disappointing senses arise as a loss of self ensues with a flood of melancholic emotion. the author of ecclesiastes rings in my head most ardently in these moments - for two are better than one and a cord of three strands cannot be easily broken. in these times of aloneness i often lament my shameful lack of seattle friends, or my quirky unloveability or some other irrational wound that still festers in my heart. but tonight i was reminded of our oneness with the Father that, in many ways, becomes matchlessly heightened when we are broken, alone and poor of spirit.

this is hardly a novel thought. the japanese zen buddhists and even the greek mythologists have often associated matchless perfection, God-likeness, with autonomy. seen in the japanese ensō or the greek monad (meaning 'unit' and where we derive the word mono). interesting that the Pythagoreans referred to God as monad. He is the separateness and He is the collective. all at once He is completely alone and yet completely whole. He is the first entity. of course the story of genesis then comes to mind - God created man in Their own image, in the image of God they were created male and female. and, in Their own image, it was not good for man to be alone. (now is this because of true aloneness or is this because the masculine was missing the feminine?) the feminine was born out of the masculine shape - without masculine, feminine is formless? it is the anti-type of form?

in this season of unorthodox singleness can i connect with masculine and feminine forces that i find myself lacking? can i reach a new state of ensō living that is wholly content in my autonomy? the thought of being alone is a frightful thing, but being alone itself is nothing more than aloneness, wholeness, unity with the Source. perhaps our Heavenly Father has simply chosen this road for jev and i as a way of showing that we truly are more of one another's shin and shang than we are one another's yin and yang. we are already complete in Him. it is only the opportunity to illustrate that wholeness that marriage offers.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

infp???

so yesterday was a breakthrough day for me.... maybe i should pause and say i have missed the blogging world. between sappy, soggy love notes to my fiance in china and my shameless facebook addiction, the growing list of favorite blogs to read and the endless toil of school, somehow my own blogging continues to wane. i can only hope that once jev returns and life is slightly less cyber-based i might actually desire to spend a few guiltless minutes indulging in my beloved web log on a more regular basis.

anyways, as for breakthoughs. yesterday we had our naturopathic counseling class and we discussed jungian typology. most of our class had taken an online brief survey similar to myers-briggs and the instructor took a gross poll of the class to guage the predominant typology of the class.

this was an intriguing exercise for me to observe as i have always been a very deeply rooted infp... even our brief survey produced the unsurprising results: intoverted, intuition-driven, feeling and perceiving. (the anti-type (not antithesis) would be extroverted, sensing, thinking and judging). i thought the predominant type would be enfp (the 'champion' archetype) but was quite surprised to find that when the instructor had us raise our hands the majority of the room was more in the introverted category. i have always felt slightly apart from my classmates -- often unsure if its my background, personailty, dorkiness... (he he okay, maybe all of the above) but i have always felt, surely, that most were at least more extroverted, or if not more extroverted, probably more thinkers. i wasn't surprised that most of us were intuitors but once again i was surprised to find out that the majority of the group were, in fact, fellow feelers! and so, perhaps we are not as different as i might think (or should i say 'feel?'). but it was the final category that set us apart (and strongly, i might add -- there were only a small few of us rasing our hands of perception). our intructor excitedly reported that every year he has conducted this poll the results have been the same, 'without fail, bastyr students are strongly infj' he remarked. hmmmmmmm. and then it all came crashing together. the rest of the afternoon i was fuming at those silly judgers -- 'aha!' i thought to myself. 'now it all makes sense.' the maddeningly competitive study sessions, the ridiculous type-a scrutiny, the feeling that i am never quite measuring up that NO ONE is ever quite measuring up. and began railing against the j's!!! blaming them for everything from the bad traffic to the war in iraq. no ground is safe from the j's and their suffocating ways. the last hour of lecture and an entire lecture in pediatrics was not enough to quench the steam. as i walked out to my car three hours after the cataclysmic awakening i still found myself muttering about all the j-ness of bastyr. and that is when i caught a glimps of my tensed up shoulders, my wrinkled forhead and inverted smile in the reflection of someone's black toyota prius (undoubtly belonging to a j)... when i realized the perceiver is reigning down judgment on the judgers!!! he he he. i giggled aloud and collected my terribly embittered self. there i was standing in my little infj-ruled world, hardly able to perceive what i was becoming in my reaction against everythink i hate to love and love to hate. in fact, it is not at all another's inability to be like me that i should be concerned with, but my own experiences of myself. i cannot say that i have suddenly come to a place of understanding and wholehearted appreciation for others' j-ness... as we speak i am in the midst of working out my differences with my incredibly j'ed roomate, whom i love dearly, but am often struggling to be heard by.

i would conclude this entry by exclaiming 'infp's unite!' but seeing as we are less than 1% of the population, i am not sure we would have a very impressive turnout... which might not be so good for our self-doubting tendencies ;o)

i am getting married in less than four months and although i am certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that i am marrying my soul-mate, my life's one and only, i cannot help but be frightened by own self-unawareness. it seems i have so much to learn about being myself in this world and i hardly know how to be that person with another. i have a handful of precious, dear dear friends. jewels. they see me for who i am even when i cannot. i am amazed that they can love me so well, that they can hold my melencholy moments alongside my spontaneous attacks of charismatic eclecticism with such unopposed love and acceptance.

i wish i knew myself better, that i could explain these strange tendencies of mine, but perhaps that is part of the mysteriuos wonder and joy of marriage. to love without condition is love without having to have all the facts beforehand.

Monday, January 28, 2008

sno sno sno

its a snow day and i thought this unexpected moment of reprieve from the typically chaotic monday schedule merited at least a slight nod to the blogging world seeing as i have sort fallen off the wagon with the whole online journaling thing as of late.

of course i do have my reasons (really) and although they probably shouldn't all be shared here i can at least say that my thoughts and musings and daily events have been recorded electronically, its just that instead of hitting the 'post' button i have been hitting the 'send' button where my journal-esque thoughts are then transported a million miles from here to another time zone and another continent (that might as well be another planet, it feel so far away). the truth is i'm in love. i have been for quite some time but its been a slow process in fully knowing what that means and where that exactly leaves me. he is in china and i am still here, in seattle, wishing there were a quicker method of transportation across the pond but thankful for this time of apartness and all the space it gives for contemplation, intention and general thankfulness.

this doesn't mean i fully know what love is or, for that matter, what being in love is. but i do know that it is right and true and pure and lovely.

i guess today has been a chance for a little more reflection than usual and i find myself wondering at so many of those unanswerables... i am good at getting stuck in hypothetical-land and i think i could drive myself crazy if i dwelt too long on questions that have no hard fast answers, but i inquire anyways. why is it that at such a relatively young age i have found my soul's one and only? is it wrong to believe he is my one and only? ...i have been in love before, but he was not my one and only, how is it that this thing, this transcendent, mysterious, spiritual change has occurred inside of me and i know, beyond a single shadow of a doubt that i was born to walk a road that traveled next to his? some have told me this is crazy talk, and i'd concur, but i still can't help myself because i believe it. beyond rational reason. i believe it.

these are kind of big words to just sort of throw out there, especially after my prolonged hiatus from the blog whirld, but i have to say i think there is something to it.

i know the only reason i can love him so deeply, so certainly, and with so much passion is because i have been fantasically loved by our Creator. our love and earnest desire for one another is simply a shadow, a ripple in the pond, reflecting the enormous, life-giving, transcendent love of our Father. in keeping with the pattern of being loved so well by the One Who will never leave or forsake, it is only expected that our love, in turn, would be earmarked for perfect passion and vision and hope.

it is strange, to be so far away and to be engaged. to be planning the particulars of a wedding that will be here before we know it and hardly getting to hear his voice more than once or twice a week. and yet, if we were to do it over, i wouldn't change a thing.

Monday, November 19, 2007

i can't sing in F# major

i don't seem to be a very dedicated blogger these days. in fact, sometimes i cringe a little when i think of my blog because i feel so far from understanding myself at times and frustrated that i do such a poor job of reflecting it in written or spoken form.

i guess i kinda needed a little blog therapy this evening, though, in the face of more defeat. it seems these past six months have been a journey of facing my capacity to fail and the call to rise above adversity, to love and believe in myself.

to be honest, i have been severely and richly blessed as of late. never have i been so certain or excited about life, not for one minute would i complain for lack of joy. nonetheless, how exactly did i get where i am? its sunday and i feel incapable, inept and unintelligent... tambourines, petroleum jelly and job interviews were not my thing today. (don't even get me started on yesterday!... ha)

tonight my roomate and i made lavender salve for a class demo she is doing later this week in a class called 'seduction, surrender and transformation.' quite the title of a course for a seminary student! as our hands dripped with fragrant lavender-infused oil we were chatting about things roomates chat about -- taking out the garbage, how excited (or not) we are for the upcoming holiday, the meaning of our existence and what that strange smell is wafting up from our basement. as the night progressed, we started talking about our childhood images of God, our prayers to Him and how those experiences fit into where we are today. tonight in church, it struck me profoundly to realize that my junior-high and high-school prayers were significantly different than the daily prayers i whisper today. i probably have a stack-full of journals overflowing with heartfelt petitions to God -- 'refine me, refine me, refine me.' now, maybe seven years later, i could not bring myself even to the brink of asking such a thing of God. in fact, an equally large pile of journals could probably be found with entries begging nothing more than -- 'help me, help me, help me.'

the joy in it all is to realize my childhood prayers are hardly obsolete, they are simply (and beautifully) being answered.

in the past, i would have had a great inclination to over-spiritualize my daily, weekly life-long trials. this is an experience of myself that is often hard to hold, because on the one hand what is life without the context of our spirituality? but on the other hand, what is life without a grasp of reality? and so, i do not want to say that all of the failures and discouragements i have encountered in the last few years of my life are all just part of some sort of supernatural, mandy-moore, everything will work out in the end, story. but i do think that in these experiences there is a deeper truer version of myself that is being called forth into existence. and i think my younger self was even more enamored with her than i am today -- i am thankful to my younger self for calling out all of my incongruencies and begging the Father to rid me of the clutter that was suffocating her, occupying the space she needs to live and breath and find her being. and so, with a heavy, broken slightly discouraged heart i find myself heading to bed with a renewed sense of hope and joy in knowing there is more to come. i'm not quite ready to make another request for refinement, but i will say, 'Lord, i cannot help myself would you teach me to let You help me?'

Saturday, November 10, 2007


Father in heaven
how lovely You are

most gracious of gifts
You have brought from afar

our eyes had not seen
and our ears had not heard

what Goodness could come
from the depths of Your Word

i search er' in vain
for a joy more than this

but the reward is no more
than the gethsemane kiss

the darkness may hate You
but i surely cannot

for my hope and my glory
in You it is wrought