my rehoboth

my winter songs

2009-12-12T12:51:00.003-07:00

hello!

for the past few weeks, i have really been missing the blogging world.

last year, jev and i started a blog together -which has two whole posts! - and i thought i'd begin posting there. but lately, i have been feeling the desire to be

here

again.

i heard this song a few weeks ago that has just been haunting me ever since.... its by sara bareilles and ingrid michaelson and i think it is sweet and lovely.

winter is such a mysterious time of year for us in the northern hemisphere. there is coldness and darkness and death - very little grows or blooms, because life is not supposed to survive the winter - and yet, we do.

the other day, jev and a friend and i were talking about christmastime and the way it feels so magical. it seems there could be many, many many reasons to explain this phenomenon.... but what was curious to us was the fact that our histories with christmas all varied quite significantly between the three of us - yet we could all so certainly agree on the sentiment we felt.

this is a difficult thing to objectively discuss because many people may have numerous other emotions associated with the holidays; the sadness of missing someone with whom they loved to share the holidays, the stress that comes from spending time with our broken families, the nauseaousness (new word!) of having to gulp down another torturous bite of aunt edna's fruitcake with a smile on your face... he he. not to mention the various cultural, religious, geographic, political....etc. differences to consider.

but from the perspective of our tiny little microcosm - our miniscule cross-section of white, middle-class, north american, judeo-christian experiences - we spoke of a curious,
inexplicable
hope.

i think it was jev who pointed out the ironic joy of celebrating in the face of the dead of winter.

what a miraculous thing to think we have made it through another chapter of death.

and yet, for most of us, december may just be the start to a very long winter - is it so odd that we are already celebrating, when the worst may be yet to come?

this christmas is not much unlike any other christmas for me, i like how sara bareilles put it - 'december never felt so wrong' - but as i look at twinkling lights on a tree or sip warm, fragrant spiced cider by a fire, i will know, without yet seeing, that we have survived another winter.

going to the chapel

2008-08-07T23:50:00.003-06:00

well, it has been once again far too long since my last blog entry. this has been my first real summer of complete freedom in many many years. i decided to take the entire summer quarter off, postponing next year's graduation by a quarter or two and i am so thankful i did. this time away from the busyness of school, the stress of studying and homework and tests and the refreshing taste of home has rekindled inside of me a fundamental knowledge of who i am. i am rediscovering the things that bring me joy and i am delighting in the smallest of details that have gone unnoticed for far too long. right now, at this very moment, i could tell you how many minutes the sun was out today, how many times i heard the thunder clap and what the mountains looked like at sunrise. i could tell you every morsel of food i enjoyed and every discussion i had with friends and family. i have called people that i haven't seen in years. i have written letters... REAL letters, you know, the kind with ink and paper and stamps and envelopes. i have laid in the grass and watched the clouds. i have curled up in a ball and counted shooting stars. i have played board games and laughed at late night episodes of the cosby show. i tried tapioca pudding for the first time and sampled homemade sangria made with love by my sweet husband-to-be.

ahh yes, that man. my love. the reason for all of this enjoyment and pleasure and joyful refreshment. in the midst of all my returning to myself there is a new epicenter of love and passion and peace and strength and hope. desires and dreams for the future are shaped around a new figure, dialogues of where i will go and who i will be have taken up a companion on the journey - and oh! what a journey it will be!

i could not have asked for a more beautiful love story, i could not have asked for a more perfectly matched partner for the ride. we are truly one another's yin and yang. as cliche as it has become, at night when i fall asleep i realize it is true that i can say to him - 'you, complete me.' we are complements and companions, we face one another to encourage and to challenge. there is such beauty in what is created when we share our worlds with each other. it is as if a whole entire universe all its own is created when we are in one another's presence.

oh what a joy it will be to see where this new universe takes us!

single white fiancée

2008-05-11T23:28:00.004-06:00

it is true that i feel like a walking paradox. on the one hand, my human soul feels complete. my feet have landed somewhere beautiful and i don't ever want to part from this place. i am truly, deeply in love with my soul's counterpart. my yin has discovered its yang -- in the broadest of generalizations. and yet i live a life of total singlehood in my day to day life. at a bridal shower, a dear friend told me that although her season of singleness may not be the path she would have voluntarily chosen, she was making the most of the season - even celebrating it - commenting on how few people really know how to be single. i thought it was an interesting perspective, i applauded her creative approach and wondered if i were still single would i do singleness well?

and then, just the other day i was walking to the grocery feeling quite entitled to a bout of gloominess as i longingly missed my fiancé from across the pacific and wished terribly that he could be walking beside me, enjoying the sunshine and the refreshing breeze. i passed a coffee shop where a young woman about my age sat in the window cheerfully enjoying a tasty treat, smiling off into the distance and i was immediately struck - 'why am i not smiling like her?' i wondered to myself. there, was a perfectly, wonderfully, happy, content, single woman not much older than myself reveling in the moment, appearing so full of companionship as she enjoyed the afternoon to herself... i then turned the corner and glanced back only to see her (who i would assume to be) boyfriend lovingly stroking her hand from across the table. ah! he he...at that moment i decided i can't wait any longer for the example of another, its time i start doing singlehood well. and so i went to pcc where i purchased a raw carob mousse - which turned out to be a mistake... only go for the coconut carob, it is much tastier! and walked myself home with determination to savor the very unique flavor of being a very fiancéed, but often very single woman.

i have to say, for myself, one of the greatest entrenchments of single living is the tendency for loneliness. it is a moment by moment battle to create a sacred space in which to exist that does not soon become incurred upon by the world and suddenly the most immediate and disappointing senses arise as a loss of self ensues with a flood of melancholic emotion. the author of ecclesiastes rings in my head most ardently in these moments - for two are better than one and a cord of three strands cannot be easily broken. in these times of aloneness i often lament my shameful lack of seattle friends, or my quirky unloveability or some other irrational wound that still festers in my heart. but tonight i was reminded of our oneness with the Father that, in many ways, becomes matchlessly heightened when we are broken, alone and poor of spirit.

this is hardly a novel thought. the japanese zen buddhists and even the greek mythologists have often associated matchless perfection, God-likeness, with autonomy. seen in the japanese ensō or the greek monad (meaning 'unit' and where we derive the word mono). interesting that the Pythagoreans referred to God as monad. He is the separateness and He is the collective. all at once He is completely alone and yet completely whole. He is the first entity. of course the story of genesis then comes to mind - God created man in Their own image, in the image of God they were created male and female. and, in Their own image, it was not good for man to be alone. (now is this because of true aloneness or is this because the masculine was missing the feminine?) the feminine was born out of the masculine shape - without masculine, feminine is formless? it is the anti-type of form?

in this season of unorthodox singleness can i connect with masculine and feminine forces that i find myself lacking? can i reach a new state of ensō living that is wholly content in my autonomy? the thought of being alone is a frightful thing, but being alone itself is nothing more than aloneness, wholeness, unity with the Source. perhaps our Heavenly Father has simply chosen this road for jev and i as a way of showing that we truly are more of one another's shin and shang than we are one another's yin and yang. we are already complete in Him. it is only the opportunity to illustrate that wholeness that marriage offers.

infp???

2008-04-19T12:32:00.003-06:00

so yesterday was a breakthrough day for me.... maybe i should pause and say i have missed the blogging world. between sappy, soggy love notes to my fiance in china and my shameless facebook addiction, the growing list of favorite blogs to read and the endless toil of school, somehow my own blogging continues to wane. i can only hope that once jev returns and life is slightly less cyber-based i might actually desire to spend a few guiltless minutes indulging in my beloved web log on a more regular basis.

anyways, as for breakthoughs. yesterday we had our naturopathic counseling class and we discussed jungian typology. most of our class had taken an online brief survey similar to myers-briggs and the instructor took a gross poll of the class to guage the predominant typology of the class.

this was an intriguing exercise for me to observe as i have always been a very deeply rooted infp... even our brief survey produced the unsurprising results: intoverted, intuition-driven, feeling and perceiving. (the anti-type (not antithesis) would be extroverted, sensing, thinking and judging). i thought the predominant type would be enfp (the 'champion' archetype) but was quite surprised to find that when the instructor had us raise our hands the majority of the room was more in the introverted category. i have always felt slightly apart from my classmates -- often unsure if its my background, personailty, dorkiness... (he he okay, maybe all of the above) but i have always felt, surely, that most were at least more extroverted, or if not more extroverted, probably more thinkers. i wasn't surprised that most of us were intuitors but once again i was surprised to find out that the majority of the group were, in fact, fellow feelers! and so, perhaps we are not as different as i might think (or should i say 'feel?'). but it was the final category that set us apart (and strongly, i might add -- there were only a small few of us rasing our hands of perception). our intructor excitedly reported that every year he has conducted this poll the results have been the same, 'without fail, bastyr students are strongly infj' he remarked. hmmmmmmm. and then it all came crashing together. the rest of the afternoon i was fuming at those silly judgers -- 'aha!' i thought to myself. 'now it all makes sense.' the maddeningly competitive study sessions, the ridiculous type-a scrutiny, the feeling that i am never quite measuring up that NO ONE is ever quite measuring up. and began railing against the j's!!! blaming them for everything from the bad traffic to the war in iraq. no ground is safe from the j's and their suffocating ways. the last hour of lecture and an entire lecture in pediatrics was not enough to quench the steam. as i walked out to my car three hours after the cataclysmic awakening i still found myself muttering about all the j-ness of bastyr. and that is when i caught a glimps of my tensed up shoulders, my wrinkled forhead and inverted smile in the reflection of someone's black toyota prius (undoubtly belonging to a j)... when i realized the perceiver is reigning down judgment on the judgers!!! he he he. i giggled aloud and collected my terribly embittered self. there i was standing in my little infj-ruled world, hardly able to perceive what i was becoming in my reaction against everythink i hate to love and love to hate. in fact, it is not at all another's inability to be like me that i should be concerned with, but my own experiences of myself. i cannot say that i have suddenly come to a place of understanding and wholehearted appreciation for others' j-ness... as we speak i am in the midst of working out my differences with my incredibly j'ed roomate, whom i love dearly, but am often struggling to be heard by.

i would conclude this entry by exclaiming 'infp's unite!' but seeing as we are less than 1% of the population, i am not sure we would have a very impressive turnout... which might not be so good for our self-doubting tendencies ;o)

i am getting married in less than four months and although i am certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that i am marrying my soul-mate, my life's one and only, i cannot help but be frightened by own self-unawareness. it seems i have so much to learn about being myself in this world and i hardly know how to be that person with another. i have a handful of precious, dear dear friends. jewels. they see me for who i am even when i cannot. i am amazed that they can love me so well, that they can hold my melencholy moments alongside my spontaneous attacks of charismatic eclecticism with such unopposed love and acceptance.

i wish i knew myself better, that i could explain these strange tendencies of mine, but perhaps that is part of the mysteriuos wonder and joy of marriage. to love without condition is love without having to have all the facts beforehand.

sno sno sno

2008-01-28T15:44:00.000-07:00

its a snow day and i thought this unexpected moment of reprieve from the typically chaotic monday schedule merited at least a slight nod to the blogging world seeing as i have sort fallen off the wagon with the whole online journaling thing as of late.

of course i do have my reasons (really) and although they probably shouldn't all be shared here i can at least say that my thoughts and musings and daily events have been recorded electronically, its just that instead of hitting the 'post' button i have been hitting the 'send' button where my journal-esque thoughts are then transported a million miles from here to another time zone and another continent (that might as well be another planet, it feel so far away). the truth is i'm in love. i have been for quite some time but its been a slow process in fully knowing what that means and where that exactly leaves me. he is in china and i am still here, in seattle, wishing there were a quicker method of transportation across the pond but thankful for this time of apartness and all the space it gives for contemplation, intention and general thankfulness.

this doesn't mean i fully know what love is or, for that matter, what being in love is. but i do know that it is right and true and pure and lovely.

i guess today has been a chance for a little more reflection than usual and i find myself wondering at so many of those unanswerables... i am good at getting stuck in hypothetical-land and i think i could drive myself crazy if i dwelt too long on questions that have no hard fast answers, but i inquire anyways. why is it that at such a relatively young age i have found my soul's one and only? is it wrong to believe he is my one and only? ...i have been in love before, but he was not my one and only, how is it that this thing, this transcendent, mysterious, spiritual change has occurred inside of me and i know, beyond a single shadow of a doubt that i was born to walk a road that traveled next to his? some have told me this is crazy talk, and i'd concur, but i still can't help myself because i believe it. beyond rational reason. i believe it.

these are kind of big words to just sort of throw out there, especially after my prolonged hiatus from the blog whirld, but i have to say i think there is something to it.

i know the only reason i can love him so deeply, so certainly, and with so much passion is because i have been fantasically loved by our Creator. our love and earnest desire for one another is simply a shadow, a ripple in the pond, reflecting the enormous, life-giving, transcendent love of our Father. in keeping with the pattern of being loved so well by the One Who will never leave or forsake, it is only expected that our love, in turn, would be earmarked for perfect passion and vision and hope.

it is strange, to be so far away and to be engaged. to be planning the particulars of a wedding that will be here before we know it and hardly getting to hear his voice more than once or twice a week. and yet, if we were to do it over, i wouldn't change a thing.

i can't sing in F# major

2007-11-19T01:53:00.000-07:00

i don't seem to be a very dedicated blogger these days. in fact, sometimes i cringe a little when i think of my blog because i feel so far from understanding myself at times and frustrated that i do such a poor job of reflecting it in written or spoken form.

i guess i kinda needed a little blog therapy this evening, though, in the face of more defeat. it seems these past six months have been a journey of facing my capacity to fail and the call to rise above adversity, to love and believe in myself.

to be honest, i have been severely and richly blessed as of late. never have i been so certain or excited about life, not for one minute would i complain for lack of joy. nonetheless, how exactly did i get where i am? its sunday and i feel incapable, inept and unintelligent... tambourines, petroleum jelly and job interviews were not my thing today. (don't even get me started on yesterday!... ha)

tonight my roomate and i made lavender salve for a class demo she is doing later this week in a class called 'seduction, surrender and transformation.' quite the title of a course for a seminary student! as our hands dripped with fragrant lavender-infused oil we were chatting about things roomates chat about -- taking out the garbage, how excited (or not) we are for the upcoming holiday, the meaning of our existence and what that strange smell is wafting up from our basement. as the night progressed, we started talking about our childhood images of God, our prayers to Him and how those experiences fit into where we are today. tonight in church, it struck me profoundly to realize that my junior-high and high-school prayers were significantly different than the daily prayers i whisper today. i probably have a stack-full of journals overflowing with heartfelt petitions to God -- 'refine me, refine me, refine me.' now, maybe seven years later, i could not bring myself even to the brink of asking such a thing of God. in fact, an equally large pile of journals could probably be found with entries begging nothing more than -- 'help me, help me, help me.'

the joy in it all is to realize my childhood prayers are hardly obsolete, they are simply (and beautifully) being answered.

in the past, i would have had a great inclination to over-spiritualize my daily, weekly life-long trials. this is an experience of myself that is often hard to hold, because on the one hand what is life without the context of our spirituality? but on the other hand, what is life without a grasp of reality? and so, i do not want to say that all of the failures and discouragements i have encountered in the last few years of my life are all just part of some sort of supernatural, mandy-moore, everything will work out in the end, story. but i do think that in these experiences there is a deeper truer version of myself that is being called forth into existence. and i think my younger self was even more enamored with her than i am today -- i am thankful to my younger self for calling out all of my incongruencies and begging the Father to rid me of the clutter that was suffocating her, occupying the space she needs to live and breath and find her being. and so, with a heavy, broken slightly discouraged heart i find myself heading to bed with a renewed sense of hope and joy in knowing there is more to come. i'm not quite ready to make another request for refinement, but i will say, 'Lord, i cannot help myself would you teach me to let You help me?'

2007-11-10T14:24:00.000-07:00

Father in heaven
how lovely You are

most gracious of gifts
You have brought from afar

our eyes had not seen
and our ears had not heard

what Goodness could come
from the depths of Your Word

i search er' in vain
for a joy more than this

but the reward is no more
than the gethsemane kiss

the darkness may hate You
but i surely cannot

for my hope and my glory
in You it is wrought

earl grey would make my day

2007-10-30T18:59:00.000-06:00

lately i have been quite torn between the concreteness of absolutes and the wonderment of relativity. oh to be so certainly self-assured of the black and whiteness of life. but it is the grey that allows for poetry. i am up and down and floating in between. i most certainly know where my hand ends and where my arm begins, but heaven forbid i should claim to know the difference between an handful and an armful. in this case, i teetered on recieving an earful for my greyish ways.

i am most certainly and forever thankful for the poignant wisdom of my sweet love in this case -- without his wisdom i might've given up the fight for all that is lovely and honorable and upright and pure... he said: (insert 'we' for 'you')

The bottom line is this: you are set apart by nature. You couldn't blend in even if you wanted to! You have the Father, and because of that, His love is lavished upon you, and because of that, His Strength compels you to follow in His footsteps. If you are loving Him and loving those around you ... everything else falls into place. That is the beauty of the good news. That is the message of freedom that the blood gives us. We are no longer bound by the laws of this world; WE ARE FREE PEOPLE in every way that matters! ... we are finally free to love, both those around us, and the Father! Who else can boast this?!?!?

who the #$&% is jackson pollock?

2007-10-20T15:22:00.000-06:00

i just finished watching what might become my all-time favorite movie of 2007...a little film about a long-haul truck driver woman named teri horton, narrated by 60 minutes' don hewitt, chronicling the challenge of this 73 year old's attempts to prove a painting she picked up fom a local thrift shop for $5 is truly a creation of jackson pollock.

for starters it is a sweetly compiled story paralleling commentaries from art connoiseurs, forensic scientists, art forgers, fraudulent art dealers, lawyers, gallery owners and the local friends and family of teri. i found myself easily smiling at the shameless and overt contrasts developed between a non-academic taking on the convoluted politics of the highly mysterious art connoisseurship. (teri says: 'everybody knows that a fairytale starts out "once upon a time," but a truck driver's tale starts out "you ain't gonna belive this shit") a woman who didn't know the difference between jackson pollock and michael jackson is told this ugly painting stacked amid piles of other less interesting treasures at her garage sale might be worth millions and now she is determined to prove its authorship...though being offered first, two million, and later, nine-million dollars for her un-authenticated painting, she turns down both offers demanding that a true pollock is worth more!

perhaps i resonate most with this charming film because i too wonder at the politics that drive our culture. how is it that a high brow suite-clad art connoisseur can definitively claim that because the painting does not 'sing' of pollock to him that he refuses to believe finger-print matches and paint samples would ever hold a candle to his credentialed eye? (at one point a this top notch art connosseiur responds to the fingerrpint matches by saying: 'scientists are very interesing, but they come after the true connoisuers. so fingerprints, all this stuff, kinda come after. that lovely "what-if." its not essential to the heart, and the artistic soul of that thing) and yet so contractictory to my inclination -- i would most often sway toward the side of intuition before institution, yet in this case i am rooting for the 'cold-hard facts' of course, these cold-hard facts are being sought after by an eccentric trucker woman who believes in the depth of her being that this is a pollock for no other reason than because she simply knows it to be true. pollock, a name she had never known before this discovery. i suppose there is some intuition in that.

of course, i was fascinated by the measures these indivduals took to discover the authenticity of the painting...soon lori had enlisted the help of her car-salesman son and then the assistance of an art dealer, who had recently been released from prison for fraud, in addition to a gentle forensic scientist who specialized in fingprint analysis.

i was mostly disappointed that there was no mention of fractal analysis -- which is why i picked up the movie to begin with -- and then i discovered this article which sadly seems to unravel the great tidbit of knowledge i most loved about dear sweet j.p.

so fractal anaylsis might have no bearing on pollock's work, nonetheless there is something undeniably rivetting about his creations and even a sweet old truck driver from california found herself beguiled. the story ends with her country-western guitarist son playing a song her wrote about his mother's adventures in the art world singing 'i know she's finally found it //been on a ten year rush // to find a home for the painting // whose canvas never felt a brush.' if anything, the journey of teri horton infused a community with a passion and a knowledge of a brilliant man whose name may have never been known to them before her fortuitous discovery.

i hope i might live with even a fraction of such passion for life and such conviction of where my calling has lead me.

re: llename... for a friend (i have more to add, but this is a start)

2007-10-05T19:22:00.001-06:00

recently i have been terribly compelled to understand the meaning of one's interactions with their little world -- their own personal universe with (proverbial) constellations of beauty and the defining pull of certain significant moons and planets and what-not (i'm not really very good with astrophysics). admittedly, when i say 'one's' i really mean my own...here in seattle, back home in colorado and abroad...so completely confounded by the meaning of finding one's 'soul-mate' and wondering if it is even possible -- or necessary. the homeopaths tell me i am a hopelessly wavering pulsatilla (which makes it seem unlikely that my floating-like-a-feather heart will ever completely settle). the astrologists tell me i need some stability for my watery, emotional pisces self...but i guess i'd like to think i am more than a little flower tossing in the wind or a wiggling fish in the sea...

an excerpt from hebrews 4 has been a central theme in my thoughts lately...

'for the word of God is living and active. sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow...' (vs 12)

what exactly is there to divide in soul from spirit? being a soulful person always seemed like a spiritual thing for me to be. but i am learning otherwise. Thomas Moore writes 'the soul has a strong desire and need for intimacy...the soul doesn't thrive on grand schemes of salvation or on smooth, uncluttered principles, nor does it thrive on theories and creeds...' the apostle paul said 'the Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God.' (I corinthians 2:10)

i am beginning to think there is something to this discrete division the Word brings to one's existence. it is often difficult to imagine my life in Christ apart from my soul's experiences -- but maybe its not so much a divorce as a distinction that must be made. perhaps its a life-long journey of differentiating soul from spirit that comes from time spent in scripture.

according to the amplified version: God's Word serves to carve out 'the dividing line of the breath of life (soul) and [the immortal] spirit, and of joints and marrow [of the deepest parts of our nature], exposing and sifting and analyzing and judging the very thoughts and purposes of the heart....' hmmm. that is a lot of entities to sort out.

we are without life if we lose our souls, but we are without hope if we lose our spirit.

i suppose i am most encouraged to know:
'the high and lofty One says—   he who lives forever, whose name is holy:   "I live in a high and holy place,   but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit,   to revive the spirit of the lowly   and to revive the heart of the contrite.' isaiah 57

an interesting side note: i discovered 569 references to 'spirit' in the NIV contrasted with 136 mentions of 'soul.' hmmmmm.

‘the Spirit helps us in our weakness. we do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. and he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.’ (romans 8:26-27)

2007-09-30T09:49:00.000-06:00

in the cellar of the monastery, there was this huge winepress, it filled the space of the cellar from floor to ceiling. i had never seen a winepress before, but as we stood beside it -- the looming strength and the precise engineering of this beautiful tool brought paul's words to mind -- seeking to be broken bread and poured out wine for the Lord.

i forgot all about that moment in the st. lawrence monastery until this morning when i was reading oswald chambers and he said:

This call [Colossians 1:24] has nothing to do with personal sanctification, but with being made broken bread and poured-out wine. God can never make us wine if we object to the fingers He uses to crush us with...if ever we are going to be made into wine, we will have to be crushed; you cannot drink grapes. Grapes become wine only when they have been squeezed.

i often object to the very hands in my life that God is probably using to crush -- to create something outside of myself. this image of the winepress has become very important to me as i look over the events of the last few weeks...and the journey that lies ahead. i know there is the potential for the uncertain events of my future to be used for the extraction of His sweet goodness planted within -- that it would be useful to more than just myself.

my prayer: help me Lord.

i have just embarked on one of the most daunting and yet incredible tasks of my small life thus far. i am happy beyond reason, but also incredibly frightened by its enormity...knowing i will only be able to take it one single step at a time (just as the rest of my life, but for some reason it seems, that under pressure, our steps become so much more deliberate).

2007-09-12T14:24:00.000-06:00

while in the north, we visited a beautiful monastery near sassano that was dedicated to st. lawerence. when the monastery was constructed, it was the largest in italy and to this day remains in the top five. although it has been ‘desanctified’ and is now open to the public, it maintains a very serene, peaceful disposition and is filled with the mysterious beauty of knowing Christ in the silence… the words of edward schillebeeckx were quite timely in my devotion that morning:

‘failure to recognize the value of mere being with God, as the beloved, without doing anything, is to gouge the heart out of Christianity.’

we also met up with a local researcher whose passion is orchids, but has done extensive work identifying and cataloguing local plants. he also has created two museums displaying much of his work – one a living seed persevere and the other a beautiful medival medical museum. he is an extremely passionate, jolly man who has an incredibly tenacious goal to preserve and promote local medicinal herbs – I am learning so much! not just dozens of new herbs, but a way of being… I feel so blessed to have had the opportunity to meet such inspiring individuals.

well, before this turns into a book, a few my personal favs thus far:

Rosa canina (wild rose = lots of vit c!!!)

Eryngeum (sea holly)

Daucus carota (queen anne’s lace/wild carrot – so tasty!)

2007-09-06T15:58:00.000-06:00

un vero viaggio di scoperta non e cercare nuove terre, ma avere nuovi occhi.

(the true voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands, but in seeing with new eyes.) -marcel proust

wish i had time for more stories...we've been visiting a lot of herbs and flowers and vegetables. took a bicycling tour of the tuscan countryside where we found lots of burock, gallium, nettles, willow, yellow dock, mugwort, asparagus, tobacco...lots more! it is so beautiful.

sansepolcro

2007-09-04T02:20:00.000-06:00

a few pics so far...

in just a few short days we have watched the palio della balera -- sort of like a renessaince fest...excpet for the fact that we are in the seat of western civ!!! eaten soooo much pasta. visited an heb farm, an history museum featuring the development of herbal medicine in the area, hopped a train to a place called perugia (known as the sister city of seattle!), wandered in an old medivel garden, spent long hours sipping tasty italia wine while soaking up the beautiful tuscan countryside...and so much more! italy is incredible!
we got to visit an antique collection of original herbal medicine texts... even got to see one of the original cullpepper texts! (the guy who first translated medical info into english for the general population to understand) we hiked around a farm just outside of sansepolcro for an herb company called aboca. they have only a very small market in the u.s. -- but their state-side hq is in none other than the republica of boulder! kewl. we also toured this old garden and i sat under a beautifully peacful locust tree that had been grown to create a beautiful meditation spot: much like the catholic monks sought out in the forests. our instructor explained that the forest in medivel times was considered dark and dangerous...most locals rarely ventured into the tangles of the curious woods, but the monks were drawn to its serenity and were known for their odd acceptance of that unusal terrain. i wonder how often my own fears of the unknown keep me from the greatest adventures. while resting beside a towering albero della gloria tree, i began to want to loosen my grip a bit...

let me not be afraid for adventure, let me not be afraid for the journey. the story is my thirst but my fears are the tightened lips. my soul is cracked and dry for lack of saving water -- the water are the steps i am hungering to take. like a tree planted by streams of water...my hope. is in You -- oh Rock, oh salvation.

it is a lovely journey.

ciao bella!

2007-08-27T22:18:00.000-06:00

okay, so i can't think of a better thing to draw me back to the blogging world than the beautiful romance of italy! it is true. I'm going to italia and i am so excited!!! so anyways, right now i should be packing, but i just had to share my excitement with the outside world. stay posted for pics and accounts from one of the most lovely and amazing places on earth ;o)

grace and peace

2007-07-17T19:33:00.000-06:00

as much as i hate to admit it, between school and life and cell phones and skpe and facebook and (eek) myspace i think i am a bit super-saturated in technology. i also think i am really addicted to my cyber-reality while real life is blossoming and taking beautiful form just outside my window...so, the time has come for a bit of a respite. not that i was ever that dedicated of a blogger. but its time for a little hiatus. a little more time outside, a little more time with the journalling that occurs between my pencil and the page, a little less time meditating on this blinking cursor.

until then,
r

zen and the art of...?

2007-06-23T16:01:00.000-06:00

sort of like an unfortunate re-run of that (tom hanks?) movie, ‘the terminal’ i find myself taking up temporary residence at the sea-tac airport for the time being. i arrived many hours ago and will still be here for many more. initially, the incremental delays seemed inconsequential -- but when i realized i wouldn’t be leaving the ground until nearly 12 hours after my initial arrival, my heart was a little saddened ;o/

once i was given a definitive departure time (and an upgrade to first class!) i was a bit more encouraged. and now that i have settled into a friendly corner and discovered a serendipitous wi-fi pocket i really can’t complain.

as oft as i think i have learned the lesson, i realize that for the rest of my life i will be discovering the meditative mystery of life. ‘you only need sit still long enough in some attractive spot in the woods that all its inhabitants may exhibit themselves to you by turns.’ as thoreau once said. and although these aren’t the woods and the creatures revealing themselves are not colorful ferns and mosses, i suppose the moving sidewalks and the little shuttles with flashing orange lights will have to suffice in this situation.

…already i did discover in the giftshop the most exciting treasure of the day! when i was in Honduras some of my friends there had learned how to weave little pocketbook purses out of used chip bags (yeah, like doritos and cheetos bags). before leaving some of them gave me a few to bring back with me… and today i saw one nearly identical to the purse little sara had woven. not only so, but there was a sign with it saying these purses were hand crafted in comyagua, honduras. wow. what a strange strange world we live in. i took a picture on my cell phone because i didn’t want to forget that unexpectedly surreal moment on the airport giftshop. those little ironic purses are creating quite a story for themselves. it is hard for me to envision sara, who has never even lived with electricity in her home, how would i explain that her purses are being sold here? i wondered if the women who were picking up those little gems, admiring the colorful zippers and commenting on their unique design felt the touch of my friend sara. like two very different, but not so separate, worlds weaving together, their fingers touched the product of hours of thoughtful work. probably woven amongst a group of friends placticando about the coffee harvest and about the rain and their husbands and children. there is so much hidden love and wonder and mystery that we touch every day. i am thankful this one time i had my own tiny snapshot of the world with which those inquisitive shoppers were colliding.

taste and see that the Lord is good… psalm 34:8

…His compassions never fail, they are new every morning…lamentations 3:22-23

its another day in the dusty haze...

2007-06-18T15:07:00.000-06:00

i must truly be an internet geek at heart because i have caught myself saying aloud 'i should blog about that' numerous times in the past two weeks. i am learning that just because something isn't noteworthy, doesn't mean it isn't blogworthy ;o) yet life has seemed to fill up almost every spare moment until now... and as luck would have it, all of those slightly-less-than-noteworthy moments have passed and suddenly i have no idea what to blog about!

i am going home to colorado in less than a week and i am really excited. this quarter has passed by with amazing berevity -- mostly because of my trek home at the end of may -- and yet i feel sooooo in need of a break and the refreshing embraces of the ones i know and love.

if i were to name this next chapter it would be entitled 'patent pending.' i feel like the Lord is up to so much work in my life. there are days that are super difficult for me to face, (though no more than the difficulty the gold faces when letting go of its dross) but all in all life here in seatter is g- double-o d. i know there are also some things in my life with which i really need to 'fish or cut bait' (is that the expression?) you know, like take some ownership...but gah! committment is soooooooooooooo unsettling! i have been learing how to play the guitar. that has been interesting. probably one of the things in my life i have had the most dedication to. you have to start somewhere i suppose. but, seriously, life is too short. i know that there is a time for everything, but i can tell that it is due season and so i'm excited.

while i'm home i think i will get to see some good faces -- some much needed faces. and i will also be out on a sail boat..for many days! many days for some thoughtfulness. that will be really great.

also, this weekend i got to spend some time out on lake washington with my friends who recently acquired a new boat, i studied for finals (eek) -- called my dad (of course) and discovered a new favorite coffee shop! it has been super rainy and so there is a really huge and noisy truck across the street that is pumping water out of the construction site where they are building new town homes in place of my once favorite old house on the street. my roomate and i are talking about adopting a little dog -- well actually, not that little, like maybe an alaskan mal or something...? i really have a lot of finals work to do, so i should probably go. i have jason aldean playing in my head (and he takes the tractor another round...) does that mean i was made for middle america?

i heart the nw!

2007-05-28T18:13:00.000-06:00

so a few weeks back i went to this place called deception pass. sometimes we choose to love, but other times it seems you can't help but fall in love ;o)

consider the lilies of the field...

2007-05-21T01:08:00.001-06:00

so this weekend i had the great privilege of returning home for the briefest of respites...but quite delightful nonetheless. in two short days i saw so many people from my past and present.

i was inspired.

in so many ways these friends and family members have shaped who i am, and i owe them the deepest dept of gratitude for what i am becoming. i was profoundly struck by just how easily my heart slipped into cadence with these dear life-companions and although the conversations were more abbreviated than i would have liked they were rich and they were deep and they were just what i needed!

needless to say, returning to seattle this evening was slightly bittersweet. but i am carried by the inspiration and refreshment of this weekend...

'So often we mar God's designed influence through us by our self-conscious effort to be consistent and useful. Jesus says that there is only one way to develop spiritually, and that is by concentration on God. "Do not bother about being of use to others; believe on Me" - pay attention to the Source, and out of you will flow rivers of living water...The people who influence us most are not those who buttonhole us and talk to us, but those who live their lives like the stars in heaven and the lilies in the field, perfectly simply and unaffectedly. Those are the lives that mould us.' -oswald chambers

well, i? uh?

2007-05-17T01:04:00.000-06:00

okay, so right now i should really be working on my infectious disease midterm...or at least sleeping...but instead, i am here and i have been thinking a lot about life and my journey and the journeys of those around me -- oh! how i love them so dearly.

sometimes i think if one more of my weaknesses is revealed i will just crumble into a thousand little pieces. and yet, He continues to reveal as i continue to thrive.

loving and living are two very difficult things to reconcile with one another. life is competitive, evolutionarily there are only so many resources to go around. loving means laying one's life down for another. yet without love, i believe, there is no life.

i have always thought of myself as a compassionate person, but it is only recently that i have come to experience all the places where i wholly lack it.

what would life be without our daily experiences? it is in the rubbing up against one another where life happens. i am afraid to hurt. but in my fear to interfere i am choosing to refuse the oppportunity to live.

i guess what i am trying to say is that in the past few days i have run up against myself in unsettling ways. i am uncertain, i am speechless, i am void of empathy, i have no common experience to share. its not really new, its just different somehow. my posture is changing and i'm not exactly sure how. its like i want to have answers to questions that aren't really being asked, or something.

but more than anything i am compelled to examine the glory that is written on each of our hearts. the realization of that glory has come, and the time for living is now.

2007-05-09T23:47:00.000-06:00

tonight i cooked eggs. well, tried at least.

recently i have been processing those sorts of things that kind of have a significant bearing on your future. reciting over and over in my head difficult conversations that i so terribly don't want to have and wishing quite deeply that i understood my own heart better and the hearts of those most dear to me.

but these things, as significant and weighty as they may be, are not easy to articulate. so instead i decided i really just wanted to eat something...the problem is i have an unfortunate disposition of dysfunctional motor skills -- especially when my mind is many miles away from my body. i did not take this small weakness into account when i chose cooking as my mode of therapy. but, really, fried eggs?...if one of the greatest childrens' books of all time could rhyme about them being eaten in boxes with foxes, surely i could prepare them with relative ease.

i suppose its not hard to see where my evening's events are headed. the truth is, i think even i knew it somewhere, deep down. but i digress...

so the eggs, well, there were seven in all. i only wanted two, but it took seven. i am not one for wasting (truly), but tonight was much like passover (where on all other nights we waste not, but on this night we waste exorbiantly not for any true reason other than as some sort of symbolic embodiment of all that has transpired...i guess) and i was determined to have my eggs and toast and i was determined to have them properly.

maybe it was the fact that i was chatting with my roomate about life and what it means to choose a path and if we can choose 'wrongly,' maybe it was that i had a busy day or that yesterday i experienced the piercing intimacy of a medical profession on a newer, deeper level, or maybe i am just really really bad at frying eggs.

anyways, i stared in dissapointed disbelief as the pan quickly consumed my first attempt and both yolks spilled rebelliously out of their neat golden mounds when i delicately tried to turn them. there was no real remedy for my clumsy handiwork, seeing as the damage had been done, i was persuaded to acquiesce -- it appeared my grand evening's meal was destined to be slightly maligned.

but my roomate's well-intentioned urging to simply retry, and her look of surprised shock that i was actually intending to eat my half-folded, slightly scrambled, fried eggs, compelled me to start over. now i was unnerved, and worse, i felt the guilt of cracking two new eggs tingling in my fingertips. so when i cracked the first prodigous egg it, quite fortuitously, slipped right off the edge of the pan and chose to slip not into the pan but underneath it and subsequently slid beneath the burner of our gas stove. i grew more anxious and frustrated and completely determined to prove, then, my total ability in this culinary endeavor...my sweet roomate graciously helped me clean up my mess and then encouraged me to stay the course. very little bidding was needed now, i was on a mission. and so i tried again. this time both eggs were in the pan, but once again quickly consumed, sizzling to a dark brown mess.

though i was encouraged that one yolk remained uncracked. my roomate was immoveable; eggs were on the menu, and they were going to be prepared properly. so she took the pan (thankfully) from my tight grip and cracked two more eggs into that contemptuous little pan. this time i guess she knew something about lowering the heat, because they cooked quite beautifully and i found myself in awe of her agility in the kitchen. (her success was nothing short of a miracle, to me.) but there was still the trick of just so perfectly turning them that lay ahead of her. she was kindly invested in my meal, and beautifully inent on the task at hand that as she raised the pan to turn the eggs she hardly noticed she was drawing the pan's hot edge closer and closer to her body. i, so intent on the process at hand, was oblivious until we both smelled her burning jacket. in a very meg-and-jo little women moment we both screamed as she pulled the pan from her body and the melted front of her jacket remained with the pan, down feathers burst into the air and we both stared amusedly shocked at all the events that had just transpired. i sank to the ground in fits of laughter and tears laughter and tears. her poor beautiful jacket, my poor, beautifully turned eggs.

it was a priceless, delicate, revealing moment that i will not soon forget. as i stood back up from our kitchen floor i suddenly found myself bursting, once again, into tears. tears for all my unsaid words and all my mistaken moments and all my joy and all my sadness and everything i have been holding inside of me these past several weeks, and for the first time in a very long time i cried on someone's shoulder and i was forever thankful for those stubborn, ridiculous, frivolous, wonderful eggs.

who i am?

2007-04-30T20:20:00.000-06:00

evidently my career as an existential memoir-ist has come to a close. from here on i will do my best to s-p-e-l-l it o-u-t. so life in rachelle's world is strange...i guess what else is new right? currently i am listening to avril lavigne and realizing that just as lavigne is pronounced 'luh-veen' so it would follow that lamontagne would be pronounced 'luh-mahn-tahn' hmmm. (for the critics...i'm not trying to be cryptic -- just a thought i thought i'd share)

i went to the mountains this weekend. and it was so refreshing to be so close to creation. i guess sometimes when i get all caught up in life here at school i forget all of the millions of tiny little things that make me, well, me.

i didn't come back to this quarter with the best of attitudes -- that is an understatement...i boarded the plane with tears in my eyes and i really haven't stopped throwing a tantrum until now.

life is so weird. you know, things don't turn out the way you would have expected. and that can be a little unsettling at times. but i guess it is the unexpected beauty that really makes life rich.

i still haven't a clue where my life is headed. but i am more okay with that now than i have ever been before.

i planted a vegetable garden today. it was just what i needed. (we'll have to stay tuned to see whether anything will actually grow) a little something to look forward to i guess. and my hands were so full of rich, dark soil and my clothes got dirty and i discovered caterpillars and earwigs and these really odd little red slugs. as spring blossoms at our house we are discovering all of the love and attention this home has seen -- lilac bushes and blue bells and tulips and irises and rose bushes and bamboo and poppies...it is really incredible, really.

and again, i am reminded to wait and watch. His hand is at work all around, i needn't do a thing.

i am humbled,

and i am weak,

but his strength is perfect in my weak spots...and so i am strengthened...by His great grace.

'we throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that he has already thrown open his door to us. we find ourselves stnding where we always hoped we might stand -- out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.'
romans 5:2

love is...

2007-04-23T18:39:00.000-06:00

suffering from a bit of insomnia due to difficulties deciding what to do with my life. and learning that junk food does not help the process.

is it still considered escapism if i promise to return to reality in an hour? entering my own little space and finding a moment of peace...

monday afternoon i realized i am far more ray lamontagne than i am slim thug. this is an important distiction that i believe every girl must come to differentiate for herself at some point.

other than that... today pondering the likelihood of being accepted by the sisters of st. joseph of the third order of st. francis. hoping yes, but thinking no.
last night i had a jelly doughnut, pork chops and a banana split. i didn't fall asleep until sometime after 1:01 am.
two days ago i discovered a hippo in my backyard and shared a front porch moment with the neighborhood racoon.

moment of glory

2007-04-22T23:03:00.000-06:00

okay, so i know personal boasting is not a considerably attractive trait, but seriously if you can't brag on your blog where can you brag??? ;o)

today i had delusions of grandeur centered on a trip to the cascades and a lovely day in the mountains. unfortunately my plans were detained due to circumstances beyond the scope of this anecdote.

and so i was left with a void.

a completely free, unplanned, beautifully sunny, seattle sunday afternoon. i must say the sun was intoxicating. i was sitting in my front yard and could barely move after returning home from church and discovering an insanely beautiful day awaiting. and as i was lazily daydreaming in my yard, i began to realize just how unkempt our little 'lawn' (composed mainly of dandilions, pine needles and this really strange tall tall grass-ish plant) had become. i guess house-renting is a little different than apartment-renting in more ways than the purchasing-a-gas-dryer-oops-incident that occured earlier in the year!

so hmmm. i set out on a quest to conquer the yard...and conquer i did! i was so proud of my courageous traverse into the very strange but oh-so-seattle-normal 'untied airlines' cargo sheds that reside in our backyard. although a bit hesitant at first, my quest was not in vain. amid the many rusting rakes, shovels, push brooms, unidentifieable flotation devices, terra cotta pots, cobwebs and mouse nests...to my surprise i discovered not only an electric weed-wacker but also an electric mower -- what fortune! and so began a laborious, glorious, strangely romantic afternoon in the sun of 'lawn' grooming! it was truly fantastic. just as i so unfortuitously was unaware of the existence of gas clothes dryers i was equally unaware of the electric verision of a lawn mower -- you know how when you vaccum it can be so annoyingly difficult to avoid running over the cord? well, i discovered the same laws of confoundment apply.

anyways, after my surprisingly productive afternoon outdoors i was just wrapping thing up -- winding the amazingly extensive extension cords -- when a neighbor came calling. literally. i heard this guy callling from around the corner, so i responded and he emerged in the yard and his face changed from surpirse to disappointment when his voice fell and he said 'oh, i thought surely i would find a guy back here...' yes!!!!!! i love it. as i tried to supress my welling, i-feel-like-i-just-got-a-gold-star-on-my-math-tables pride i told him i was sorry to dissapoint and he continued to explain that he was having trouble moving a table up his stairs and heard the mower and thought he would find some true muscles -- not just little old me (oh what? this old thing??? wink. wink.) he he. it was a victorious moment in my small little life. a victoriously lovely ending to a truly splendid afternoon.

i know al gore might be a little dissapointed in me but....i heart electric lawn mowers!
(okay, someday i'll try a push-mower al)

oh! the depth

2007-04-14T02:52:00.000-06:00

after listening to some thoughts from john piper and reading a blog from a friend in a far off country, i am moved. so very utterly, speechlessly moved. to thank our God for His grace. it is often difficult to put into words, how, exactly, we came to be followers of Jesus Christ. even more difficult when our ability to refer to the Bible is taken from us. but even so. when we have no tools at all. His truth transcends.

if it were not for His sunsets and sunrises. if it were not for the sound of the wind through the trees, or the ocean waves on the shore. if were not for the vastness of a starry night-time sky. where would my hope come from? oh! the depth of His grace to us, that we are without excuse. His fingerprints surround us and His very creation whispers our name. we are loved, we are precisely fashioned and we are here, now, for such a time as this.

2007-03-28T18:25:00.000-06:00

my cell phone is my nemesis.

i have considered getting another one, maybe a samsung or an LG would serve me better than my little pink razr, but i have decided that wouldn't be enough. perhaps i should hold out for the latest and greatest from steve jobs. but even a phone that could send emails, sync with my computer's operating system and play videos would probably not suffice.

its not that i don't love talking with people, its just that (maybe) i almost love it too much. and unanswered voicemails are one of the most difficult things for me to accept. right now, on my stickies i have a list, and i feel like it is growing in the wrong direction, of people i need to call. and not just to call up out of the blue and say hello, but to apologetically dial up and try to graciously convince them that i hadn't forgotten or that i didn't not want to call, but really truly i couldn't.

sometimes you can't return a phone call because there isn't enough time, sometimes you can't return a phone call because there is enough time but because the environment isn't conducive. ie. while i'm sitting in class or in the shower or at a study group or in the waiting room at the hospital or while aunt agnes is recounting (in minute detail) the events of her last medical procedure...these are all good times of the day to chat, and they are often hours spent doing absolutely nothing, but alas, i cannot handle the disapproving stares!

and of course there are times that just aren't good times to chat with one's friend -- like somewhere between the hours of 2 and 6 am, because sometimes i find myself lying awake during those hours of the day thinking about all the people i should call or should-have called and i wonder why i can't just take care of it right then. of course this rule doesn't completely apply. like for my friends half away around the globe, i suppose, that might be a very convenient time, but i am not very good at math at two in the morning and i might get confused and say 'good evening!' when i should have said 'good afternoon!'

but worst of all are the calls that you just can't make because everytime your fingers are held poised above the keys to dial, you're paralyzed. utterly and inexplicably paralyzed. i wish i could explain the phenomenon, but i can only speak from an experiential point of view. it is terribly terrible. and i often use my restless morning hours to think of the antidote, but as of yet, there in none. they are those difficult conversations with those people you love so much it hurts, that are sometimes the hardest, but most necessary conversations ever to be had in life. but until i discover the root of my frozen finger syndrome, my telephone taunts me. it rests so unassumingly on my nightstand, but it whispers of my failure, my inability to follow through. oh cell phone! some day i will prove to you that i am bigger than you think!

ribbons and beaus

2007-02-22T00:25:00.000-07:00

right now i am sitting in the empty auditorium…pathology just ended, but here i am. sort of in that hazy post-school moment where you kind of feel like you could fall asleep in your seat and you kind of feel like you could run a marathon (okay, well, maybe at least jog out to my car or something) listening to a little miles d and not wanting to move from this spot – even though the janitor will probably be here any moment and wonder what strange spell i am under that would cause me to choose to stay at school when everyone else has left for home.

but I can’t tear myself from this moment. thinking of life and feelings and all those things i barely lend a single breath to during my crazy busy days. like, for example, what was with the strange hennington kid who came into the library demanding to check out a type-writer?? who does that and why, exactly? uhh...

typewriter?

what is that for again?

but the truth is, we actually had one. and the crazier thing is it still worked! but how do you even come into knowing about stuff like that? sometimes I feel like i just wasn’t cut out for the collegiate world. do you just wake up one day and say to yourself, ‘you know, i could really use a typewriter…that would be so handy’??? and then what exactly prompts you to check out the local library? aren’t libraries for books? books that have already been written, mind you. we are a book haven, not a book-making haven, i thought. but i guess i stand corrected.

anyways, its moments like that that make me say hmmmm. but of course the next thing i know the copier is jammed and someone needs help finding journals about acupuncture and analgesia (never a good combo) and suddenly its time for clin lab and my assessment is still only half-completed and now my flash drive won’t work and so i completely forget about typewriter-boy and my library ignorance and the fact that i still have so much to learn about my job and about life and about air filters and synthetic oils and composting and global warming and (oh yes) disseminated intravascular coagualtion…which is why i must go now and learn more stuff…guess thinking will have to wait for another day.

ridonkulous!

2007-01-21T01:34:00.000-07:00

okay, so this is definitely not a completely original post...but i read this article in the seattle PI today and it made me so excited i just had to share what i learned....

i know my fascination with words is a little bit strange -- but seriously, vocab is a-mazing! so have you ever heard of portmanteaus before? well i hadn't, not until today. they are recorded as first being introduced by william shakespeare in sonnet 63 where he created the word 'trauaild' by combining 'traveled' and 'travailed.' brilliant! but, of course i probably would have had no idea 'trauaild' was an extraordinary word, and not just some strange olde english term -- seeing as almost every other word in shakespeare's work is foreign to me. (sadly) hmmmm.

so anyways, portmanteaus became more widely recognized by the literary genius, good old lewis carroll, when alice gets a lesson in wonderland from humpty dumpty who describes jabberwocky as 'slithy' -- 'well, slithy means lithe and slimy' he said. and so began the trend that we all know so well today:

brunch, motel, smog, metrosexual, mandals, gaydar, chillax, slurve, crunk, bacne, frogurt, justache, jerd, streetball, badong, dancercise, sacrilicious (not sacrilege! -- homer simpson's combination of sacrilege and delicious. hmm), infomercial, bodacious, alphabet (who knew?! alpha + beta), pluot, simulcast, televangelist, mockumentary, tofurky, pixel (picture + element), brangelina, bollywood, dramedy, pokemon, nicorette, viagravation, pictionary, microsoft, frappucino, fantabulous, labradoodle, liger, guesstimate...

...in fact, 'portmanteau' is a portmanteau -- the combo of two french words:

'porter' (trans: to carry) + 'manteau' (trans: cloak) so, we decided shortening words and blending them together (blorphing) could be seen as 'carrying a cloak?!' hmmm. crazy french. anyways, i thought it was interesting.

hmmm

2007-01-03T21:50:00.000-07:00

if you have a few minutes, i think this is an interestng thought for your immigration contemplation ;o)

2006-12-23T00:33:00.000-07:00

i am not much at writing letters, but if i were, i might try to tell one of my dearest of brothers that...

sometimes our souls - so dry and weary, wandering in the driest seasons of life - can haunt us with their wanting. but it is not the echo of want that truly devastates, it is the thought that, perhaps, this is as good as it gets. cutting through that well-known dark night of the soul, rising and falling with each tossing wave of the tumultuous seas of life. but He always sees our steps. i have been in search of my life for far too long. but its always when i stop looking for it that life seems to have a way of finding me. and i am certain. it too will find you. the warm worn walls of your heart musn't forever echo with the sound of empty, lonely footsteps - so can't we make room for the dance? might we light a few candles and strike up the band? our oldest, dearest friends will all be there. smiles, laughter, sweetest of joys it will be. hiding in the dusty corner your spirit has been hung to collect dust on a shelf with memories of what was and what will never be. the spirit that has the power to break our spell of captivity could dance once more...give it room to step on your toes and smile as you watch it sweep you off your feet. we only live once, but once for ever more. we will run on and on and on. now and forevermore, this is not as good as it gets but only the brink of getting all that is good. pray, won't you join me to taste and see?

(hmmm, perhaps a bit too much jane austen in my life?)

i love it!

2006-12-22T11:29:00.000-07:00

snow

snow

snow

so i guess i returned to colorado just in time for a very white christmas!

i love sno! especially in blizzard form ;o) but being snuggled up by the fire for three straight days can definitely breed a bit of cabin fever! (it was a lot of fun, although i think we all went just a little bit cr-a-zy)

thanks for the update madre: 'the snow is so deep!'

i think this might be the first time all our neighbors have met (wow.) -- my fav was the woman serving chardonnay he he.

hey there broha -- i think tom cruise might be missing his sunglasses ;o)

2-4-1

2006-12-20T12:38:00.000-07:00

so this weekend i got to spend some time in the beautiful midwest (yes, i said beautiful, and yes i really mean it). it was one of those times when i truly felt the words of emily dickenson...where the rambles were sweet and the reveries spacious. growing up in a slightly more urban world -- where starbucks is always open and one is never more than 5 minutes away from some sort of instant, pre-made fast-food diner. i often cannot wrap my mind around a world any other way than such. i don't really know what that means, other than i guess i wish there were more places like that in the world. where one can still see the stars and the streets are peacefully still at sunset.

also...

splendid news....for those in my life who have been patiently suffering alongside my uncertain self-pity...the waiting is over! i have officially passed my first quarter of pathology (wow). yay! from now on:
i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class. i will not skip class.

latest and greatest

2006-12-13T22:57:00.000-07:00

okay so newest word o' the day....
definitely has to be taken from indie fav 'local H' where everything is

copacetic.

LOVE IT! ;o)

(whenever could you not love the sublime blissfulness of everything being 'very satisfactory' -- sounds like serendipity to me -- he he.)

anyways, maybe its the wishful thinking side of me comin' out -- as i wait expectantly for a copacetic thumbs up from the ol' pathology proffe ;o/ ha.

okay, so its no pulonium 210-laced sake but...

2006-12-10T17:36:00.000-07:00

Now that classes are o-v-e-r I am having a bit of difficulty restraining my enthusiasm for the new found freedom (read: I might be going slightly crazy). So what does one do with all that free time? Well, I am so glad you asked….

Day one:
Saw a cheesy chic flic and cried my eyes out: the holiday. Highly recommended! Especially enjoy the softer side of jizzy j. black – BRILL! As well as a poignantly placed reference to genius martin scorcece-(would have had no idea who they were talkin' about had it not been for the departed)-ha!

Followed by a loverly evening of wine and chocolate with the roommate, homemade (not-so-tasty-without-the-tahini) hummus, the bourne identity AND mission impossible (sadly, I must confess I still haven’t seen the entire thing – we all need things to aspire to eh?)

Day two:
What could be more fabulous than a lazy day around the house, sushi for breakfast and lunch, GIRL TYME… distracting my roomie from her all-too-nearly-due final papers (sorry babe). A fine Christmas party ringing in a hip new building for a very hip and edgy little seminary known as mars hill – hmmm. So hot?! Anyways, we chased that bad moment away with a trip to belltown where we bought veggi hot dogs from a street vendor (did you know they like ‘em with cream cheese up in the crazy northwest?!) and then a little jaunt to ghetto town where I discovered the little hermano at Goldie’s…raking in 600 big ones on the 4:8 poker table…wha???!

Yes. we live in a very strange world. But I guess I love it – I mean, really what’s not to love? ;o)

So today is day three.
Right now I am listening to the top one-hit wonderz of the fabulous 1990’s (according to the rhapsody playlist central). Was Marcy Playground really a one-hit one-der?!

Would also like to plug the word o’ the day (stolen from a friend, once again)…as the cursor blinks tauntingly for me to fill this tabula rasa, I find myself at loss to say anything more. Okay, that was really lame-o, but seriously…tabula rasa?! Wow. KUDOS! ;o)

speaking of the strange, crazy and amazing:
i read that scientists recently discovered a school of fish off the coast of new jersey the size of manhattan! 20 million fish -- crazy.

when i was in honduras a friend showed me butterflies with the number 88 on their wings:

strange.

but i guess the most noteworthy, and perhaps only redeeming aspect of this blog entry is this:

...hmmm. still workin' on it ;o)

amazing.

word o' the day

2006-12-04T01:46:00.000-07:00

i think once i had a little bit of an obsession with recurring words in my life -- i remember i was fascinated by the recurrence of 'collusion' several times over in a single day (i still have to admit that was a little curious)...anyways, i decided to kype a word from a friend because it fueled the start of my new (or renewed) passion for words.
hence, bamboozled. yeah -- isn't that just fun to say? kinda crazy that its truly in our accepted vocabulary, akin to pilfered, another good one.
so in the steady stream of strange and addictive words, i also stumbled upon...

hotch (to wiggle or fidget)
judder (like shudder)
palter (to dispute)
caterwaul (to complain noisily)
rollick (like frolic...like gambol, caper, cavort, wassail...hmmm)
gormandize (to eat gluttonously)

and that's just the start! its a whole new world of the portentously outré patter...someone stop me, i think i'm going balmy -- unsound, and wacky, moonstruck, daft and a little bit batty...wow. this is truly too much, i guess its what happens when i keep putting off my cogitation for h. path ;o)

ahh finals...why can't you just be a little more ambrosial?

2006-11-18T03:33:00.000-07:00

i ruv rramas

get sick, get well, hang around an ink well

2006-11-10T17:36:00.000-07:00

so there's this exhibit at the seattle science center that has a few samplings from the dead sea scrolls found in qumran back in the '40s....very incredible!

last night i went with some friends to visit the scrolls and left with a huge appreciation for these crazy people called the essenes who were probably the creators of the dead sea scrolls.

p.s. the scrolls contain info divided into three main categories -- Biblical writings (almost the entire old testament is represented, with several copies of most books), apocryphal writings and community rule stuff.

anyways, the community where the scrolls were discovered was stunningly centered on one simple theme -- purity. their lives were completely defined by the measure of purity the community deemed each individual worthy of.

and what did they do all day?

write scrolls.

i can hardly imagine. a life, dedicated to purity. and a mind, filled with the delicate brushstrokes of the hebrew language.

to me,
that is beautiful.

the psalms were a favorite...
Teach me, O LORD, to follow your decrees;
then I will keep them to the end.

How I long for your precepts!
Preserve my life in your righteousness.

(psalm 119:33, 40)

'carpenter' is hebrew for...

2006-10-21T21:06:00.000-06:00

sometimes i wonder...maybe i should stop there;o)....where to draw the line between 'token, good christian girl' and 'okay that's just stupid...'

maybe this isn't such a struggle for some, but for myself it has been a source of great contention recently.

case in point:

in an attempt to be more plugged in to the Christ-believing community around me, i have been doing my best to diligntly participate in the events of a small group on campus that calls themselves 'bastyr christian fellowship'

hmmmm.

sounds simple and good enough to me.

but still, i think maybe there is something wrong upstairs because so many times i feel like the poster child for the local chapter of does-not-play-well-with-others anonymous.

at our last meeting, all was progressing nicely. some made suggestions about meeting together with the intention of reading through some scripture passages on a regular basis, another offered her home for an evening of worship...and then it came. that moment when i squeezed my eyes together as a slightly nauseous feeling washed over me. i hoped this moment wasn't really happening in my precious little 'bcf' but in a very real moment a zealous and well intetioned (i'm sure) young man enthusiastically reported that he had finished designing the t-shirts for our club. so, in light of the wwjd craze, one might wonder if Jesus would've made t-shirts for all of His disciples to stylishly proclaim their affiliation. but i can appreciate that this is the 21st century and for some reason people really like to belong to stuff and when they do they really really like to have t-shirts and bumper stickers for their nalgenes and rubber braceletes to reinforce their belonging...just in case anyone didn't know.

but seriously, this is just a little too much for me...

...uh

.......wait

did i miss something?

well, its high in antioxidants

2006-10-16T22:48:00.000-06:00

to change one's thinking takes such a slight turn of the head -- just the slightest nod to reality and the truth will devistatingly rush in.

it is accepting the truth that can take the rest of our lives...like venti pomegranate frappucinos,

at 7:30 in the morning.

do people really believe those things are made with real fruit, or are they just choosing not to think of it?

fidelity

2006-10-14T22:25:00.000-06:00

okay, i think i'm in love, well maybe its more like i have a new best friend and her name is regina spektor. of course i don't actually know her, but i am certain that if our paths ever crossed we would be dear friends ;o)
this week i decided music is truly the elixir of my soul...i have been sick. sick sick and more sick -- it seems like its been forever since i have not been sick. every day i use my neti and steam with eucalyptus and take my NAC and astragula root and echinacea. i've been eating miso soup for breakfast lunch and dinner, trying to sleep lots and be good to my body, but still, i'm just not...good.
i guess the paradox is that i am supposedly immersed in the quintessential sphere of healthy consciousness -- why isn't it rubbing off on me?!

i think i still have much to learn.

so all this time of being sick has left me feeling a little down and a little burned out...but there is something so refreshingly redeeming about showering your spirit with snapshots of beauty -- whether its sitting barefooted in the corner of a cozy coffee shop, curling up on the couch and watching a totally girlie movie with the roomate or (my fav) sitting with a cup of tea and soaking up the melodious notes of some creative musical genius ;o)

so that's the best i can do. amox - no gracias, i'll take regina for now.

savor the journey...they say

2006-09-24T17:19:00.000-06:00

so when i was travelling in central america i kinda hated the long bus rides.

i always got really anxious, you know, wondering if we were ever really going to reach our destination and trying not to wonder what i would do if we didn't. it was a little unsettling to my type-a-ness to travel at the mercy of a slightly crazy honduran who would always babble incoherently to my very gringa ears. often inquiring to the remaining duration of the trip, i would simply receive a laugh and a nod of the head 'ya tiempo, amor.'

of course, without the journey i never would have seen my sweet friend and her community hidden in the beautiful mountains of guatemala and i would have missed the excitement of jaloning up to a remote honduran village where there was no electricity or running water. i never would have seen the border town at night...so alive with boracha music blaring in the adjacent cantinas. i never would have tasted mama marixas amazing tortillas. i wouldn't have gotten to sell atol to the local school kids at recess or munched on delicious guayavas fresh from the tree. i never would have met jorge or maria or erlinda, orlando or eveylene.

i am beginning to feel like i'm stuck on the perpetual bus ride. i keep waiting to arrive, and everytime i just think i might...the journey continues. i wouldn't mind it so much if someone could just assure me that, eventually, the destination will come into view and i will know, with certainty, that i am here. but such assurance eludes me at every single turn, and at times i feel like i am the only one on this route. i keep watching my companions hop on and off...

but i am simply lost.

i'm not even certain which path i've chosen anymore...'oh wait, did i take the "no i'll never finish school or have a real job" turn at the fork in the road or is this the "just kidding, i don't want to be a crazy nature doctor anymore" trail?'

hey busdriver!!!! i wish for just one moment you spoke my language and could tell me in a calm, collected voice that eveything is going to be okay.

i love this place

2006-09-20T23:44:00.000-06:00

so today i decided i really like the store ikea it is amazing! all in one place you can choose how to create your own space, eat a delecious turkey crossaint sandwich and spend hours checking out the latest and greatest decorating ideas (all for a low low price even wal-mart would have a tough time beating). and the excitement doesn't end there -- once you get home you become a creative carpentry genius (with the help of some very scandinavian drawings to direct the assembly process)...tonight i built a chair and a shelf -- i even broke out the tool box, making use of some screw drivers and a saw!!!! hmmm. what will they think of next? ikea i love you -- thanks for making my day special (i can't wait for tomorrow...its bookshelf day!)

las fotos ;o)

2006-08-20T23:30:00.000-06:00

i feel like there are so many things to share from my trip.

this is the clinic.

really, its the reason i came -- little did i know there would be so many other reasons to discover along the way....

honduras

2006-08-02T20:04:00.000-06:00

i was hoping to be able to post some pictures, but unfortuntaely i couldn´t find a computer to hook my camera up to...does that sentence make any sense?

nonetheless, whether in seattle or danli...i still feel the need for a little blogging ,o)

i have been learning so much these past four weeks, i hardly know what to say. never, could i have imagined the journey that awaited me when i boarded my plane for tegucigalapa last month.

honduras is a beautiful country...i wish i had more time to familiarize myself with all the wonderful cities and mountain villages and colonial towns...but that will have to wait for another trip. i have been blessed to spend my time in an incredible little town on the south-ish side of the country. i have met some great people as well.

i´ve become friends with a group of guys who have been so gracious to include me in their daily outings and weekend adventures during my stay in danli. i guess it would logically follow that a place like this clinic -- where visitors from the u.s. and canada are regularly visiting -- would attract those twenty-something guys in the city who are looking to polish their english skills and perhaps gain a connection or two for future attempts at crossing the border. but these guys are looking for a lot more than a good hook-up. in fact, most of them have learned that any connection they make with us fickle north-americans usually proves fairly futile. nevertheless, they have been an encouragement and an inspiration to me. in the face of much greater odds than myself, they have some pretty big ambitions and dreams for their lives.

i thought i might come here and be an encourgaement to others, when in fact, just the opposite has occured. my friends have taught me so much in my short time here. above all, i have seen this country through their eyes -- a gift that is beyond description. it is much more fun than i would have thought to spend my weekend catching jalones to the swimming pool and then sneaking half of my friends in for an afternoon of some chill time. in fact, it is pretty fun to do just about anything with their latin attitude...where everything is always cheque ,o)

don´t get me wrong, there is plenty of work to be done -- these people know hard work better than i ever would. and my days are filled with some long hours at the clinic...and so many stories i wish i had time to relate...but you realize, at the end of the day, what really matters is that you are part of a community where you will always have a friend who´s there to laugh with you, who will chat about anything and everything -- and who is never afraid to tell you like it is. that is honduras. and i really like it.

petrol bliss

2006-06-18T20:17:00.000-06:00

i have to admit...i am one of those nerds who will drive five extra blocks just to save a penny on a gallon of gas. ;o)

for this reason,

today,

was a very beautiful

day...

yay!

2006-06-16T16:54:00.000-06:00

i am done with my first year of medical school!!!

whew!...that was a lot of work ;o)

i was told you can only see these things in china

2006-06-10T14:47:00.000-06:00

for my friends who are traveling, or plan to travel, east... ;o)

p.s.
i received these pics from a friend's email...i did not take them myself, but i assume they are public domain...if they're yours lmk ;o)

from my friend oswald

2006-06-01T22:41:00.000-06:00

just thought i'd share:

"...there are so few fellow workers with God and so many workers for Him. Am I quite sure that God will do what I cannot do? I despair of men in the degree in which I have never realized that God has done anything for me..."

thrift store shopping

2006-05-30T23:01:00.000-06:00

have you ever lost something you didn't think you could live without?

i used to work at this thrift store in a small farm town. every day people brought in boxes overflowing with musty smelling clothes, oversized garbage bags teeming with shoes, books, lamp-shades, paper towel racks, rusty old hangars and other completely unidentifiable odds and ends. sometimes i would hold my breath as they dragged in pile after pile of curious objects.

as i'd begin to sort though the mountain of hopeless junk i would almost always find one or two items that would uniquely capture me...a colorful picture frame that perhaps once held a snapshot of a precious moment in time, or a magnet shaped like missouri -- possibly commemorating a special adventure.

i guess we will always stumble upon treaures. jewels that will capture us. perhaps they are filled with meaning or they inspire hope. for awhile those items might even define us, but most often there will come a time when they will get tucked in a drawer nearly forgotten about until someone is looking for a paperclip and happens upon your valuable keepsake. oh what a painful thing it is to be reunited with your lovely treasure! its meaning and memory might be as fresh as yesterday but is it really necessary or is it clutter? ah. the age old question ;o)

it is good to hold on to that which is truly necessary. but i suppose it is painfully beautiful to give up those things which you are holding onto for fear of losing something you might not be able to survive without.

i am told that the Lord intends to heal our wounds and bind up our broken hearts. it is to this promise that i cling as i stare - in utter disbelief - at my open, empty hands and wonder..."whatever will i do without?"

tears of joy

2006-05-24T13:08:00.000-06:00

yesterday i disposed of a tear-filled tissue in a trash receptacle at the park. on the trash can someone had written "you are what you leave behind."

right now i guess i am teary-eyed.

there are many reasons for my sadness, but i guess i am learning that there is still joy in the small things. there is joy in finding hope -- whether its a coffee shop that plays your favorite music, a spring flower bringing life or maybe a penny left behind by some stranger who seemed to have better luck than i.

the viz

2006-05-16T23:27:00.000-06:00

this is my school.

well, not all of it but this is a really big part of it.

it may not be that much to look at but there is a lot of stuff going on here that one might not notice at first glance. in the left hand corner you can see a girl resting on a bench. she might be there taking a break from the maddness of her class schedule or she might be a vistitor who came to walk on the foot reflexology path but it is most likely that she is studying her pharmacology.

this is our on-campus pharmacy!

i think it might be very difficult for someone to conceptualize what it is like to go to school here unless they are truly in the thick of it...in fact sometimes i don't think i even truly know what it means to go to school here yet ;o)

just today i passed a guy in the hall with a blonde ponytail down to his mid-thigh (carrying a three and a half foot sword) with jay-z blaring in his oversized headphones. that was right after one of my friends finished explaining to me why i must have died from a trauma to my feet in a past life -- and must therefore suffer through the pain of my festering blister a few days longer. i suppose that would make sense considering my aryuved instructor noted yesterday that one's kapha personality has a tendency to settle in the feet -- i really should cut back on the soy ice cream!

it is wonderfully strange to sit in the same classroom where we learn about biochemical pathways, prancreatic enzymes, sympathetic nervous responses and thoracic outlet (inlet) syndrome only to later sit with my classmate and evaluate his energetic field in sync with my own...as obliquely deformed as it is.

i cannot really put into words what this journey has begun to teach me, but i am loving every terribly mysterious step of the way -- and i find myself daily falling more in love with the fantastic Creator of our universe Who has sprinkled beautiful creativity into every last crook and cranny of our crazy world!

tasty veggis

2006-05-08T19:17:00.000-06:00

today i learned that one truly does reap what they sow...

thank goodness for those subconscious moments when we do the right thing ;o)

pics 4 gerlach

2006-04-25T11:27:00.000-06:00

so last week we had some tibetan monks construct a sand mandala. it was an incredible piece of artwork...eight monks contibuted to the mandala but it looked like it had been crafted by a single person.

anyways, at the end of the madala construction the monks destroy their work as a symbol of the impermanence of life.

there is a lesson to be learned...perhaps not that wearing red robes and living a life of simplicity will save you so much as knowing that our life is but a breath. i am forever learning to live as a stranger and alien in this world as i look forward to a kingdom whose architect and builder is the Lord Himself ;o)

i heart saturdays!

2006-04-08T21:32:00.000-06:00

so i am now in my final quarter of my first year of what some call med school, some call wacko school and what i guess i'd call stress on crack ;o)

tonight i had drinks with some med students from uw (pronunciation: "you-dub"...he he) and i got in a conversation about the evolutionary advantages of altruism...one of the guys said he approaches every person he meets as a potential collegue, patient, girlfriend, wife or what have you. i guess in that sense he is offering everyone he meets with his best face forward without ever falling into the trap of being the altruistic "victim." hmmmm.

i also went to my first softball practice today...yes, i know its a stretch but i'm on a softball team!

in addition, i got the rotors replaced on my car, i went to a coffee shop to study the spinal cord and i attended review/preview sessions at our clinic.

it was a good, rainy, busy and beautiful seattle day.

epiphany...i mean, epiphyseal plate!

2006-03-16T16:59:00.000-07:00

they come at the strangest moments don't you think?

just when you least expect them...

...but always when you need them most ;o)

hate to love and love to hate her

2006-02-25T16:56:00.000-07:00

today is a very rainy grey seattle day and i find myself sitting in a cozy little coffee shop attempting to be a diligent student...but my mind wanders...across the table from me sits a girl who looks not unmuch like myself -- with a stack of MCAT study books piled under her chair ;o) i guess sometimes it is good to get the chance to glimpse in the mirror and catch a reflection of who we really have become.

sometimes i think i have become exactly what i always hoped i would not. like an ironically paradoxical self-fullfilled prophecy (?!) but then every once in awhile we are given an opportunity to make a break for it...to live a life totally unlike anything we have ever known before. (ah! but why is it so maddeningly difficult to make the most of those opportunities?)

so i guess more than anything i just hate it when the silly choices of my life seem to invade the lives of others...i only wish i didn't have such a terrible habit of making a fool of myself.

oh, joy!

2006-02-16T21:00:00.000-07:00

yea! who would have thought an afternoon to myself in the middle of the week would be such a pleasant and eagerly accepted gift?! an opportunity to explore new parts of the city, chat with my loved ones and even contribute to my meager little blog! ;o)

so the weather here has been very uncharacteristically sunny! driving home from school i catch myself looking twice because the mountains on the horizion are such an unexpected (though very welcome) sight! as much as i am learning to love and appreciate a new climate there are moments when i can't help but wish that i might wake up in the morning to peek out my window and see a peaceful blanket of snow quietly resting on the landscape...in fact there is a slight possibilty of snow this coming weekend, which leaves me anxiously awaiting the weatherman's surmise on friday evening!!!!

so it feels odd to share my personal accounts of life in seattle...perhaps some sort of random thought would be more fitting...well, the truth is i think school is slowly siphoning every last ounce of creativity from my fragile brain...so i will instead borrow some creativity from one of my favorite and most inspiring poets:

IT sifts from Leaden Sieves--
It powders all the Wood.
It fills with Alabaster Wool
The Wrinkles of the Road--

It makes an Even Face
Of Mountain and of Plain--
Unbroken Forehead from the East
Unto the East again--

It reaches to the Fence--
It wraps it Rail by Rail
Till it is lost in Fleeces--
It deals Celestial Veil

To Stump and Stack--and Stem--
A Summer's empty Room--
Acres of Joints where Harvests were,
Recordless, but for them--

It Ruffles Wrists of Posts
As Ankles of a Queen--
Then stills its Artisans--like Ghosts,
Denying they have been--

-Emily Dickinson

my sweetie!!!!!

2006-02-14T19:30:00.000-07:00

ahh valentine's day -- the day of love ;o) i have so much to say and yet at the same time i am speechless. i think i just wonder what i ever did without it!

te extranas mucho!

2006-01-27T23:03:00.000-07:00

have you ever had someone enter your life and they become such a welcome and comfortable familiarity that you almost forget what life was like without them? missing them is kind of like coming home to make a big cup of hot chocolate and realizing you're out of cocoa ;o)

mis suenos

2006-01-15T21:18:00.000-07:00

do you ever live a really crazy moment in your life when you just aren't sure if you're dreaming or really truly experiencing a chapter (as brief as it may be) in your journey that you thought was only possible in hollywood? well, i caught myself wanting a little pinch this weekend -- just wanting to make sure i was really, truly living in the real world...but, what really is the real world anyways? ;o)

i need my depends!

2006-01-07T13:56:00.000-07:00

so i have been learning a lot lately about the meaning of continence...this word conjures many random thoughts in my mind (!) not only do we express continence in our lives by our actions and our discipline of the heart, but our body also expresses its own continence...its own ability to hold onto crap, sometimes for good and sometimes not...for example, on our first day back to school we had a lecture on colonics. the lecturer was a chiropractic doctor who had been using colonic hydrotherapy with his patients for decades (colonic hydrotherapy is like an enema on speed, it not only clears out the anal canal but all the way to the valve where the small intestine junctions with the colon!) he talked about a woman who passed a hard mass about the size of a golf ball and they cut it open to find it was made up of colored wax -- crayons she had eaten as a child! and then there's my traditional chinese medicine class. in chinese medicine, most healing is achieved through the balance of the body's energy (qi) which is characterized as having two poles (yin and yang) which must be present in one's body in equal proportions. a common indication of an imbalanced qi is seen in patients suffering from constipation...sometimes this may be a sign that they are deficient (xu) in their normal level of firey, productive, inspirational and active energy (yang). in which case, the body's physical response to its xu yang constitution is to hold onto every last drop of energy it can find within itself. although the hydrotherapists would disagree, the chinese doctors might say this constipation should be encouraged and not impeded as the body is communicating a need to hold things within itself.

anyways, this is not the continence i am talking about at all -- i guess its just the mental image that first enters my mind when hearing the word. ;o)

the continence that i am learning so much about is summed up well by david in psalm 19...

may the words of my mouth
and the meditations of my heart
be pleasing to You

O Lord

my Rock and my Redeemer.

i think my most recent life chronicles have been characterized by a bit too much of the incontinence that can so quickly steal from us the beautiful joy of the Lord (the ugly truth is i am far from knowing what it means to bring pleasure to the Creator of the Universe with the words i choose and the thoughts that float through my mind). consequently, many of my life decisions have been regretably formulated somewhat in light of this perturbed worldview. but the most astonishing thing is that despite my own shortcomings, the Lord's grace continues to be at work in my life, faithfully, unashamedly and often without my even knowing!

how is it that in my own dark night of the soul i find myself overwhelmingly grateful for every last moment the Lord has given me in this small life i get to lead every single day? what wisdom and love He has placed in the hearts of those closest to me! i feel like a child who has been confusedly wandering around in her sleep, stumbling over things, knocking over anything that is in my way -- just to awake and find that the whole time i was being carefully watched over

and i am completely undeserving.

mmmm hmmmm.

2005-12-08T23:20:00.000-07:00

yes. oh how very much i love finals!

ha!

2005-12-03T01:21:00.000-07:00

i have learned that without the capacity to laugh at my (frequent) stupidity i would just dry up into a sour, lifeless little prune!

if i believed in the power of the cosmos i might say:
"its amazing how one wakes up, so unknowingly, to those days where the universe must have been silently mocking my existence...eager to have a little fun with my silly little life...ah, well, tomorrow is a new day...and i am wise to you, silly fate, so you better shape up a bit!"

but alas, it is i and i alone who must bear the humbling weight of being a very clumsy human being -- i suppose its just one of God's ways of making us laugh whether we want to or not!

our beloved ones

2005-11-20T18:40:00.000-07:00

there are a lot of different people in the world.
i suppose we become painfully aware of this pivotal truth from the first day we are forced to spend an afternoon with aunt thelma -- when she keeps passing the most horrendous gas and you have to sit quietly still, pretending nothing is amis in the methane-filled living room of grandma ski's small house...where the family will soon be gathering for another chaotic thanksgiving reunion.
like many quasi-romantics, the holiday season always fills me with a great sense of nostalgia.
i read somewhere that even the most painful family get-togethers will someday become fond memories.
i suppose that is debateable, but in my case, fairly true.
as i begin packing my bags to head home in just a few short days, my mind plays endless films of past family get togethers, scents of home nag at the tip of my nose...almost real, as i close my eyes and shake my head thinking about how much my small soul hungers for the comforting familiarity of the usual family craziness.
i used to wonder if my family would ever grow up, and now i could never be more grateful for all of their unique and precious quirks ;o)
my friend told me that in honduras they refer to their quirks as manias...i think that is quite fitting. those stange idiosyncrasies that the Lord has instilled in each of our hearts aren't there to make us weird or strange...they're there to add to the mundaneness of life (some might call it the "dryness" of life)...our quirks are the spice of life, and there's nothing more precious than becoming familiar with those unique gems that make the treasured people in our lives more than just aquaintences.
so, aunt thelma, bring on the flatulence -- 'cause i love you so much!

cardiac a-rest

2005-11-07T17:51:00.000-07:00

so we have been studying cardiac contractility in h phys, and today we learned that the system of venous return coupled with the contained electrical activity of the heart makes its integrity for conserved function amazingly resilient!...in other words, God made our hearts nearly unbreakable ;o)...as much as i might think that it is impossible to remidiate the past, i suppose that by God's incredible grace we can allow Him to prove Himself more faithful than our will might suppose. in my human, feeble mind i find myself so doubtful of the veracity of one's heart -- but what do i really know? (matthew 19:26)

i'm over it

2005-10-22T19:40:00.000-06:00

i realize there are some things in this world that i will never fully understand...guys playing dodgeball, poems that rhyme, osmotic pressure regulating systems, oxidation reduction decarboxylation reactions...to name a few.

but what about those times when you just so badly wish that you got "it"...?!

big time

2005-10-03T09:06:00.000-06:00

so this weekend i spent a lot of time studying...actually, i spent all my time studying. other than my time at church, all i did was read and read and read. the weird thing is, it didn't even really bother me. in all honesty, i was excited that i got to spend my weekend studying. then it hit me -- i am an uber nerd. what's worse is the fact that...i'm becoming boring! i was sitting in the cafeteria with one of my classmates on saturday and as soon as she sat down i started asking her questions about connective tissue and epithelial glandular cells and we talked about this stuff for like forty-five minutes without even realizing it. then i was like, "do you think this is bad that when we have lunch together on a saturday all we talk about is school?" i am truly concerned...all i think about is school...really! but she just shrugger her shoulders and said "that's all i ever think about"

after studying on friday i was walking to the parking lot and (surprisingly) it was pouring rain, there was this asian guy standing just in front of me and when i passed him he said, in broken english, "ahh, excuse me, are you headed toward lake city way?" of course that was exactly where i was headed and i knew the question that would follow once i acknowledged him and told him that i was in fact headed in his direction. i cringed as i said "ye-s?" and then he started bowing and gesturing gratefully, explaing that his ride had forgotten him and he had no way to get home and he would be so thankful if i could give him a ride. reluctantly i said, "well sure, just tell me your name" he then ensued to tell me his name, that he was from japan and had only been in the states for a week and was still overcoming jet lag. i felt bad for him...and i was glad i could help him out, but unfortunately i was still i bit sketched out...i mean, c'mon, its a new, big city, no one would ever know if i disappeared and for all i know this is the line he gives everyone. but, i decided to go with it...i knew if i died it would be my fault for being stupid.
turns out, he is an undergrad student at bastyr and when he graduates he plans to return to japan to go to medical school. "you came all the way to the states to do your undergrad at bastyr?!" i asked quizzically "oh bastyr is famous, more famous in japan than here" he said as he laughed. he had only been living here for two years but he would be done with school in may. his entire family lives together in a village just outside of tokyo, his gradparents still use botanical medicine but his parents will have nothing to do with it. when we arrived at his house he gave me some seaweed tea and a packet of seaweed soup. it was still pouring rain, but he stood on his driveway waving goodbye and smiling as i drove off.

today as i drove to school with my carpool buddy we chatted about our weekends, about school and stress, and about how we hope we don't get sick but that we can mix our own herbal tinctures in the herb lab if we do. the weather is getting more and more seattle-ish every day. this morning it was still pretty dark on the drive to school and thee was a lot of fog in the air, its getting cooler and it seems like it rains more consistently everyday. i commented on the change and then he said, with mock enthusiasm, "oh well you just wait, it gets better, darker, colder. rain every day...you'll love it."
my roomates are in medical school and they said that in phrmacology they learned that from november to april seattlites don't get enough vitamin-D becuase of their extremely reduced exposure to uvb rays. my carpool buddy concurred, he said about 50% of seattlites suffer from seasonal affective disorder and that his wife had to sit in front of a sunlamp every morning just to lift her spirits a bit.
i like to memorize verses, and i've found that with all my commuting, the time i have in the car is a great opportunity to review some of my memory verses. i have one stuffed in my dashbord right next to the temperature guage...my c.b. asked me "what's that little notcard?" so i told him it was a verse i was trying to memorize, and he asked me for what and so i told him, for my heart. obviously he was intrigued, he asked if he could see it and so i handed it to him and he asked again "you mean you actually memorized it?" "well, yes, at least i'm trying" i responded, so he quizzed me and this is what i said:
"the unfailing love of the Lord never ends, by His mercy we have been kept from complete destruction, great is His faithfulness, His mercies begin afresh each day. lamentations 3:22-23"

esperando y esperanza

2005-09-16T13:58:00.000-06:00

i will wait for the Lord, who is hiding His face from the house of Jacob. i will put my trust in Him.

isaiah 8:17

sometimes, i am learning, there is abundant life to be found in waiting.

my impatient, earnest, and unseasoned heart often jumps at the prospect of adventure and discovery. but what of the still quiet times? it is sanctuary and refuge i often find myself seeking from the Lord but how often do i truly seek to truly dwell there? i feel as if it is a paradoxical lesson i am learning at the moment. in the midst of huge changes and adventures -- exciting and unknown opportunities -- i am being challenged, more than anything, just to simply be still and be content in waiting.

i hunger for normality.
i thirst of regularity.
but life will have nothing of the sort.

it is change and risk that drives us forward and i am challenged to progress. and so i concede to be alive in waiting for the day when life will take on some sense of routine.

we might not have seen the cubbies but...

2005-08-31T01:24:00.000-06:00

my friends and i recently returned from a little trip to chicago...it was much fun, but i got a little out of control with the digi-cam ;o)

i had no idea that taking pictures of buildings could be so much fun!

anyways, a few days ago i was hanging out downtown with a friend and we were observing a cute older couple -- who were quite obviously tourists. i think they seriously took like fourteen pictures of just one street corner. my friend and i chuckled at their sweet excitement for sights we've seen hundreds of times.

it seemed so silly to me until i realized...just a few short weeks ago, i was that tourist! eek! my friends were quite gracious to put up with all my picture taking. and hey! now we have evidence of our trip, tangible reminders of our crazy times in chi-town. and it gave me the opportunity to chronicle some of the odder sights we stumbled upon, ie...

...what exactly does one do with a giant reflective bean???

...or, for that matter, a three story tower with a video projection of some chic who squirts water???

hmm. chicago friends. i don't completely get it.

about a boy

2005-08-29T23:46:00.000-06:00

sometimes people ask me what i've learned over the past three months. i suppose with the whole camp experience and now my decision to head off to seattle it would be reasonable for others to wonder what it is that the Lord has revealed to me over these passed few months that's lead me to the place i now find myself.
well, at first glance, i'm not sure i would even be able to begin to articulate the work the Lord has done in my life. somedays i feel like i have progressed so very much and other days i think i have taken a million and a half steps in the wrong direction.
does one ever truly have the ability to guage their own position in reality?
and yet i feel the question has been posed. if i answer incorrectly i forfeit my very heart, but if i am correct in my assumption that i have grown i have a world opportunity before me.
dare i accept such a challenge? would my heart be able to bear the consquences of such jeopordy? does true love require such transformations in the one it loves or does it simply devote itself to bearing with the loved one's burdens?
we all carry burdens do we not? none will be simply perfect and in fact if it was a weakness of mine, though i might have grown i have not fully overcome. for even a structural weakness -- though perhaps buffered and reinforced by surrounding bodies will remain eternally an intrinsic weakness.
"may integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in You." psalm 25:21

i dreampt that you would someday return
to my surprise you've come,
bearing with you the very words my heart has chased
but would it ever be enough?
my fragile heart you once wholly erased

i rise to greet you with hopes unseen
but could you ever know?
i relish the unreal thought in my midnight dreams
but when awakened to see it
daylight proves it might not be what it seems

love much

2005-08-26T11:12:00.000-06:00

this morning when i woke up i was processing through my recent fog of frustration and bitterness when a passage from hosea came to mind:

"she will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. then she will say 'i will go back to my Husband as at first, for then i was better off than now. she has not acknowledged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her the silver and gold -- which they used for baal." hosea 2:7-8

i might think i'm justified in my bitterness but, i am not the jaded one.

"therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. there I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the valley of achor a door of hope. there she will sing as in the days of her youth...'in that day,' declares the Lord, 'you will call me "my Husabnd" '...I will remove the names of the baals from her lips; no longer will their names be invoked." hosea 2:14-17

if only i could truly understand the immense love Christ has for His bride.

"'therefore, i tell you, her many sins have been forgiven -- for she loved much. but he who has been forgiven little loves little.' " luke 7:47

this summer...

2005-08-23T17:51:00.000-06:00

i suppose memories from this summer will forever leave a lasting impression on my heart and mind...

sweet sweet friendships.

incredible hearts.

and unforgettable moments with the Lord.

"let me understand the teaching of Your precepts; then i will meditate on Your wonders." psalm 119:27

no. i'm not lost

2005-08-17T13:41:00.000-06:00

do you ever wish you were someone else, or at least somewhere else doing something different? presently, i find myself in one of the most chaotic crossroads of my life but i feel like i'm watching it all pass me by at a hundred miles an hour while i just stand, frozen in time. its kinda like everyone else decided that life should be spent living at hyperspeed and i can barely get enough momentum to make it onto the on-ramp of "real life."

i catch myself moving even slower than normal, maybe just trying to take in all that's happening so quickly around me, or maybe to silently protest the multi-tasking, million mile-an-hour world i've found myself living in. i don't want to claim common citizenship with caffeine junkies and multi-taskers. i'd rather be banned, shunned and completely forgotten than to rub shoulders with people who get minor cardiac arrhythmia just looking at their overbooked pda's.

sometimes i wish i could just escape it all, but the problem is there's no escaping this mentatlity. i think it has permeated every last crack and crevice of our society. i worry, that before i know it i'll be running at their pace, forgetting to look where i'm stepping, missing all those amazing people who decided to take the scenic route, and all the time wondering where i'll find enough time to get everything done.

so i have choices to make. choices about school, about roomates, about friends and church and how i allot my time. and i guess we often draw our impetus for decision-making from the experiences of others, so perhaps at this crossroads it wouldn't be such a bad idea to try out the less trodden path. maybe stop a little longer at the scenic overlooks and take the time to wander a bit.

hola

2005-08-14T20:24:00.000-06:00

well, i know its been a long time since i've been online when i can't even remember the web address for my own blog?!...i thought it was like erased or something until i found it by using the blogroll from a friend's blog ;o)

anyways. now i'm back in civilization and i am so very excited to share a million stories from camp and laugh about all the crazy things that happened...things no one else will understand or find relevant...probably they wouldn't even laugh. oh well, i guess i can keep the details to myself, but i am so very greatful for the incredible lessons i learned this summer and all of the friendships God blessed me with. perhaps some of these things my friends down the mountain will still find somewhat interesting and relevant to their own lives!

i am still somewhat in a stupor, hoping the overwhelming fog will soon lift and i will be able to make sense of all that i experienced over the last eleven weeks. eleven weeks! in some ways that seems like a significant chunk of time, but really, its nothing. i suppose someday i'll look back and wonder what i was thinking when i signed up to spend a summer the way i did, but right now i couldn't be more thankful for all i experienced.

when i close my eyes i can smell the fresh scent of the crisp mountain air and feel the warmth of the sunshine -- and the sentimental mushy side of me wants to freeze time in that place. and then faces. face after face flashes in my mind and i smile to think they each tasted and saw a tiny glimpse of the goodness of the Lord. counselors, campers, parents, full-time staff. everyone felt it and saw it and smelled it. whether they knew it or not, God's goodness was all around them. the strange thing is, we don't even have to go anywhere to taste God's goodness. i don't know why getting away from everything allows His fragrance to more easily reach our souls, but the Truth is, His amazing love is just as real when i'm sitting on i-25 behind a million red tailights as it is when i am sitting on the porch of my cabin listening to the wind rush through the trees.

maybe its because i am such a sappy romantic. maybe its because i wasn't born for rush our traffic. whatever the reason, i seem to be so very captured by God's love when the voices around me are stilled. its in those moments that i know so cleary, undoubtedly, and with unwavering confidence that the sweetness my heart dreams of is real.

sometimes i settle for the shortlived imposters of this world. and always i find myself playing the jaded lover. but this summer i caught myself crying out "Lord save my heart!" and He whispered back "I already did."

i guess what i'm realizing is that my events have just been a bit out of order. all along i've known that i've wanted it, all along i've known it was there. i just was waiting for it to come find me and sweep me off my feet...and all along He's just been waiting for me to dream bigger.

"teach us to number our days aright, that we might gain a heart of wisdom." psalm 90:12

yummy goodness

2005-06-11T21:02:00.000-06:00

if there is one thing i have been learning as of late, its that you really shouldn't ask of God anything you don'y really want...prayers like "break me Lord" or " give me patience" should only be petitioned with great care and intentionality.
but the cool part is, even if the lesson isn't really what you were up for, the outcome is quite worth the tumultuous journey in getting there.

"this is how we know that we love the children of God; by loving God and carrying out His commands. this is love for God: to obey His commands..."

i john 5:2-3

so i guess when i asked God to teach me to love i didn't really know what i was getting myself into. i thought learning to love was all about other people, i didn't really think first He would turn my life upside down and shake out all the crap i was holding onto that was preventing me from abiding more deeply in Him.

but i learned a great lesson today. because through these refining fires Christ has faithfully proved Himself to me...my unmoving stronghold, my portion, the salvation of my heart, my perfect peace. so when the opportunity to love arrived at my doorstep this morning my instinct to turn and flee got tripped up on the Cornerstone and i found myself flat on my face with nothing left but Christ's love pouring out of me! i don't think i've ever been quite so afraid, felt quite so vulnerable, or come so close to peeing my pants in my sweet little buick. nor have i ever been quite so overwhelmed by the unwavering confidence that my God was there to do whatever i asked in His name.

i tasted a bit of John 15 today and i'm not sure my appetite will ever be quite the same ;o)

speaking of appetites, this week i found out you can eat corn dogs, mashed potatoes, mushy salad, and red jello and really truly jump out of your seat for seconds!!!...for all of it!
i also discovered that sleeping in one's clothes for the next day can prove to be a noteworthy time-saving technique, that i can last exactly four and a half days without showering, that a few sparkly bracelets can dress up anything...even an old t-shirt from goodwill, and that kids really really love chugging contests, but not as much as comparing their puke afterwards.

mis lecciones nuevas!

2005-06-03T15:06:00.000-06:00

well, its pretty cool because God has been so gracious to bring me to an incredible new classroom where i find myself just sitting at His feet and soaking up His goodness!!!!

a verse that has resonated in my mind over and over is i john 4:16...

"and so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love.

whoever lives in love
lives in God

and God

in him." (!!!)

i have so very much to learn about the vast and overwhelming love of Christ but everyday is filled with opportunity to put His Truth into practice!

anyways, because of my limited access to internet i have to pack it all into one little entry so i can only offer the abbreviated versions.

but i also wanted to say i think my faith in the justice of our law enforcement has been completely undermined...i love u officer conway, but i also kinda think you're an idiot!!!...i have my first ever court hearing on the fateful day of tuesday, august 16th at eight am...eeek i feel like a criminal. but really really i'm not! well, i did break the law but...anyways i guess i have a whole summer to get over it!

also, just wanted to mention, i never thought i would have such high regards for chili-mac, but one week at camp and now its my idol! yum yum i love that noodlie goodness ;o)

happy june.

why i won't be buying those airline tickets to paris this fall

2005-05-18T14:51:00.000-06:00

free your mind!!!!

so today my friend and i were talking about childhood memories; how back in the day our worlds were filled with wonder and mystery, there was so much to be discovered, so much to hope for and look forward to.

maybe it doesn't happen like this for everyone, but there was a moment in time when i think my life came to a schreeching halt, when i collided with the most unmerciful wall of apathy that sapped every last ounce of child-like energy from my soul.

i have spent the last twelve months in recovery.

sometimes i still have a tendency to look in all the wrong places for my healing salve. there are all the quick fixes that come in many shapes and sizes. i see them every day on billboards, magazines, in the window of the nearsest gap...i even sell them for $3.49 a pop to unknowing patrons day in and day out.

and then there's the good stuff. the really really good stuff. it usually requires a little more energy on my part, a little sacrifice and planning.
its a really good long chat on the phone with my best friend from high-school, or sitting down and taking the time to watch the clouds on the sky, going for an afternoon run or spening some much-needed time in the Word.

that's the good stuff, that digs deep into my soul and stirrs up that "inner-child," reminding me that this world is still so much bigger than i could ever imagine. living in our instant gratification world, industrialized by businesses that will offer me a placebo for a buck sevent-five can be treacherous to my searching, hungry soul. i am led to believe that because i control the destiny of my latte...down to the very degrees to which it will be heated, i must hold the keys the mystery of the universe...turns out out be quite a disappointment when i look down at my keyring to find the only keys i hold go to a 1994 buick regal ;o)

another friend of mine told me he was going to be pretty pissed at God if he died alone. that got me to thinking about my plans for the future. i used to think i wanted to travel. but i've decided i don't really want to see rome until i can share it with my husband, and i don't really care to visit the mayan ruins until i can share it with my kids. there is more to life than simply "doing it all"...
its about what you soak up along the way.

sometimes i guess i just have to get outside of the happy-meal box long enough to realized how mysterious and wonder-filled this world...the one right here, in front of me this very instant...really is.

a friend from church said "realizing that one is a child of God should be enough to snap one out of depression forever."

i am a child of God...

i am a child,

of God.

wuts that??

2005-05-10T01:06:00.000-06:00

maybe this is a little werid, but i am so excited because i caught two rainbow trout this weekend.

i was mostly excited to get to clean a fish with my leatherman.

i think some of the people around me thought i was completely loca because when i caught the first one, i started jumping up and down and screaming and my dad was like " you better reel the dang thing in before you lose it!" its been awhile since i've been fishing and i forgot just how much i love it...even just bait fishing. its so amazing to sit in the sunshine and soak up the beauty of the nature that surrounds you. even if you don't catch a single thing, it can be such a rejuventating and inspiring adventure! but when that first fish caught hold of my line it was like i was a little kid again and i couldn't even help it! every muscle in my body tensed, and my heart starting beating quickly as i focused on winding in my prized catch!...would it be a big one or just a little minnow? ;o) i guess i am a little crazy...ha! nonetheless, i need to make more of an effort to enjoy the simply joys that i so often overlook. i am never deprived of things to do, just the drive to actually do them.

overcast foreshadowing

2005-05-03T00:41:00.000-06:00

so...i haven't been feeling too well for the past four or five days and tonight at work was the worst i've felt. a few of my co-workers diagnosed the source of my current ailments to be our rare and unusual weather. they said i am too used to the sun and once this crazy weird overcast/rainy/snowy damp coldness passes and i get to see the sunshine once again i will be a-ok. soooooo...what if its true? this worries me because i have thoughts of moving to the northwest. is this a chronic problem that will prove incurable without consistent sunlight? or will i be able to adjust to the lack of uv-ness my body seems to be painfully addicted to?

...the right time to roll to me

2005-04-30T13:13:00.000-06:00

perhaps the source of my angst and jaded frustration was not so much the failure of men in my life, but the failure of my image of God. i thought all of the harrowing situations i faced were a result of my wandering heart. but those situations would not have proved nearly as harrowing would i have had a proper understanding of my heavenly Father. good things and bad things; strange and unusual situations, present themsleves to each and every one of us...that's what its like being human. its what we do with those situations that matters. i guess somewhere along the line i decided i had to stop trying to pull everything back together on my own and i chose to start looking in the right places for strength and inspiration to live out each and every day. it was in the midst of my searching that i found my heart once again romanced and enthralled with a love that is deeper and wider and higher than my imagination could ever begin to behold.

the thing about God's love for us is that it is so humble, so quiet and still that we cannot take hold of it. the moment we notice His movements and we look in the direction of His love it seems to vanish and reappear in the very place we just turned from. so maddeningly elusive, if we stop believing He is courting us for even a moment too long the coerricive, calculating seductions of this World will rush into the weak cracks of our hearts and take us captive until we once again still ourselves to hear the gentle call of the Lover of our souls. He is so patient and so very very good. i am thankful my heart has been softened, i am thankful i have begun to learn to love deeply and sincerely, once again...it is His beauty i see in the romance that is all around me!

look around your world pretty baby...

2005-04-27T22:51:00.000-06:00

so for my friend's bridal shower i compiled a cd of some classic, semi-sappy (and maybe a little cliched) love songs to play during the evening o' cheesy, girlie, bridal-shower goodness. i have the playlist saved on my real-rhapsody (yeah baby!) account and i have to admit i really love listening to it. i know some of my friends would roll their eyes at this but some of my fav's are alison krauss' "when you say nothing at all," whitney houston's "i will always love you," enirique jammin' out "hero" (eek! i can't believe i am confessing this!), etta james' "at last," i can't forget ub40's version of "can't help falling in love with you," and of course marvin gaye's "ain't no mountain high enough."
maybe i'm the only one whose stomach still fills with excitement at the thought of those early days of romance...middle school dances, passing notes, the day before feb 14th when you agonized over whether to give jared blum the "you're cool" or "you're cute" valentine...eek!!! i was always filled with so much wonder and anticipation for life and love. i'll be honest, i was enchanted. even in my first few years of college i think i continued to swoon at every thought and word tied to romance.
so what's with this sudden resurgence of rose-coloredness to my life???
it seems at every turn eros has laughed in my face and said "fat chance chica, this romance thing isn't for you...why don't you try back in about ten decades?!" leaving me to be quite the romance cynic and, at times, an embittered boy-hater.
admittedly, when i made this cd for my friend, i was inclined to choose the most grossly hyperbolic love songs...in a bit of malicious revenge on my foolish heart i chose some of those songs i remember hearing for the first time and closing my eyes as i envisioned the day i would fall in love with such depth and purpose and richness...gag me! thus, there was a bit of a tongue-in-cheek scoffing as i rolled my eyes and assembled the playlist, thinking of how there was a time when i actually bought the crap these people were singing about.
one day i had the cd in my car and i was bored so i popped it into my purple audiovox cd-player. its been there ever since...and i cna't get enough!
at first i was a little concerned by my sudden infatuation with the cd but i told myself it was probably a good thing that i was actually enjoying some stupid, sappy loves songs instead of the r&b crap i typically fill my car with. i guess its really going to my head though because the other day i caught myself singing "danke shoen" to all my baristas at work.
one of them turned to me and said "what's with you?...did you fall in love or something?!" quite suddenly i was awakened to the fact that indeed i have fallen in love.
and that's when i started shrinking myself...doing a little self-psycho analysis.

o say can u sing

2005-04-24T23:01:00.000-06:00

April 24) - "Canadian singer Caroline Marcil had a rough night at a Canada-USA hockey game on Friday.
She was invited to sing "The Star Spangled Banner," but forgot the lyrics not once, but twice. She left to get the lyrics and when she returned to the ice, took an embarrassing tumble.
She left the ice in tears at Quebec Coliseum's exhibition hockey game.
When the audience booed, she told "Good Morning America" Weekend on Sunday, "that made me completely blank. I didn't know what I was singing."
But Marcil flew in from Montreal to appear on "Good Morning America" to redeem herself, and she sang the American national anthem flawlessly.
Marcil, whose first language is French, isn't alone in not knowing the words to the song. A 2004 Harris Interactive survey of 2,200 adults found 61 percent of Americans don't know the lyrics to "The Star Spangled Banner."
Of those who claim to know all the words, only 39 percent know what follows the line "whose broad stripes and bright stars," the survey found.
The lyric problem is often evident at sporting events.
The National Anthem Project has an education campaign to re-teach America to sing the national anthem, with major singing celebrations throughout the country."

i'm not sure what i find so intriguing about this article. maybe it's the fact that it's about a french-canadian's failing attempt to sing the u.s. national anthem (wha??!) or maybe its that so many american's appear to have such a short attention span that they can't even get through the first complete stanza of their own national anthem or maybe that the NAP hopes to revive america's awareness of the national anthem through "singing celebrations." hey! i'm all for patriotism but really, if its not on mtv or in video-game format i don't think the majority of american's are going to care...i especially appreciate the statement that "the lyric problem is often evident at sporting events." cool. welcome to america. we like to spend money writing articles about anthem-lyric amnesia epidemics and how one can observe its impact at sporting events!

my little buick of regalness

2005-04-18T10:27:00.000-06:00

so my chronic coolant leakage has finally been remedied. but, in all honesty, the sappy sentimental in me misses it altogether. there was something so calming and familiar about popping the hood every time i arrived at the gas station. pulling out my faithful coolant jug, mixing in some water and slowly quenching the thirst of my poor little regal. now i'm back to boring old stops at the gas station. i guess i can mix it up with the occasional window-washing, oil-checking or slurpee-buying, but it just won't be the same.

i think what i will miss the most are the well-intentioned comments from my fellow gas-station patrons who observed my little coolant-filling ritual.

it seems any girl looking for a little attention need only lift up the hood of her car and guys from every walk of life will come with offerings of their great and assumedly impressive automotive/mechanical knowledge. every time i stopped with that nagging little low coolant light glowing in the corner of my eye i wondered what adventures awaited me the moment i reached under the hood of my car.
"looks like you might be leaking a little coolant" "i think you might need to put in some more antifreeze" "sooooooo, i'm pretty sure she's overeheatin'..." "did you know you have coolant leaking?" or my ever-favorite "i never met a girl who knew how to change her oil" ;o) oooh my little gas-station buddies! how i will miss you!

the scandal of Christ

2005-04-02T00:01:00.000-07:00

do you ever have those days where you hear a word that you're not familiar with and then it seems like you hear it everywhere you turn? well, i do. often, actually. which is proof that i am vocab-challenged or that i spend way too much time listening to other people's conversations ;o)

so in...pee-wee herman fashion...the word of the day (in my little world) is...collusion (ko-lu-shun). i heard it on the radio this afternoon and then it was on the news and then audrey tautou used it in an interview?! strange. i suppose it hit me the hardest when someone whose native tongue isn't even english used my word of the day! aye. was i just completely narcoleptic during sixth grade english class or something?

according to merriam-webster, a collusion is a "secret agreement or cooperation especially for an illegal or deceitful purpose" hmmm.

at first glance, i would conclude that the reason i find myself unfamiliar with this term is because i don't tend to engage in many collusive conversations. but the irony is that the original place i heard the word was on the radio when hank hanagraf used the term "collusive" in reference to some people's speculations on the resurrection of Christ.

some people suppose that the resurrection of Christ was a collusive collaboration of underground cultish Christ-followers. their zealot tendencies inclined them to become impassioned about this Christ who claimed He would tear down the temple, set up His kingdom over all kingdoms and finally fulfill the nagging "law" of the jews. the tantalizing story of this same Christ denying his death-sentence, carried out by the forceful romans, would sensationalize their cause and bring in supporters from every oppressed region of the middle-east and mediterranean.

unfortunately, most people won't die for a collusive movement that is founded on legend. but these so-called zealots were burned at the stake, fed to the lions and crucified in much the same manner as Christ Himself, because they refused to deny their belief.

they believed the resurrection of Christ was more than a story, and they were convinced it was a Truth that could not remain untold.

do i live with such passion for Christ?

do people see me and wonder what i'm up to? or do my actions leave me blending in with the massive majority?

maybe its time i became a little more familiar with the early founders of Christ's movement on our humble planet. because there's nothing ordinary about being a Christ-follower...some might even say its downright collusive ;o)

christening

2005-03-31T01:24:00.000-07:00

for my birthday a friend of mine gave me a leatherman...definitely one of the most practical and useful birthday gifts i've ever gotten...not to mention quite memorable ;o) anyways, tonight i felt like i reached a deeper level of intimacy with my leatherman. it was kinda like our bonding moment. i was super excited because i needed some sort of handy little tool for fixing the dust pan thingy at work. then i realized i did have the perfect tool! i finished my little project with seemless ease and i was so proud of my resourceful handy-ness...it was great! anyways, as i was finishing up, i used the cute little knife part to cut some electrical tape and as i sliced through the tape i failed to stop my upward motion before the very sharp little knife sliced right into my finger...eek! it really didn't do much damage, but as i looked at the drops of blood on my sweet leatherman i smiled as the words of wisdom my friend gave me rang in my head..."just be careful with the knife, i cut myself a few times when i first got my leatherman." i was so excited to know i was a true leatherman owner now! i felt like i passed some sort of initiation milestone. anyways, its great to be closer than ever to my great little tool and i feel like i have entered some sort of inner-circle now.

oswald chambers

2005-03-30T00:38:00.000-07:00

well i was going to post a cool quote from ozzie (which probably would have been more interesting than this entry) but then i was wondering if anyone remembers tomagotchi's.
when i was like twelve i had a little vitual monkey. he was purple and he got very irritated in the middle of the night when i forgot to give him his daily ration of bananas....hmmm. i often worried that i would be a terrible mother when i got older. my virtual pet would be chirpping in the bottom of my dresser drawer where i had absently placed him days earlier and i would eagerly jump out of bed to see what he was demanding this time.
what a strange little fad those vitual pets were??? kinda like slap bracelets. they really served no function. they got pretty annoying after awhile, and yet they could be so entertaining at the same time!
anyways, i thought of my little virtual monkey for the first time in many many years because tonight my cell phone was beeping in its funky little way when i have neglected to charge it for a little too long. as i responded to it in my normal strangeness saying "don't worry little cell phone i'll get you some juicey charge" i realized perhaps i haven't learned as much as i would like to think i have since those childhood virtual pet days! huh ;o)

happy easter friends!

2005-03-28T01:38:00.000-07:00

on my to-do list:
i must apologize to those closest to me because, as of late, i have not made much of an attempt to be a good reflection of the perfect Love that has so graaciously captured my small heart.

today was a day set apart to meditate on the greatest manifestation of Love this world has ever seen. oh! the heart of Christ! if only i could truly grasp the depth of such true affection. in all honesty, i did not make use of this precious holiday as much as i would have hoped...time escaped me and so here i sit with a heavy heart. there is a burning in my eyesas the reality of Christ's love for us causes me to work just to catch my breath.

what is love that i should know a single thing about its workings in my life?

phileo and storge surround me, (eros elludes me!) agape refreshes my soul and epithumia drives me to keep expecting more out of each day. but all too often i have a way of overlooking, underappreciating and wholly disregarding the very vehichles of Love which God tries so persistently to use to intersect my life and infuse me with His Great Gift.

life is kinda weird right now. in all honesty, i'm a little scared. what's to come? am i really finally leaving? how will i survive? will i ever find the romance i've always dreamt of?...this silly blinking cursor taunts me...what more do i have to say?...i guess its just that verse...the one that says "perfect love drives out fear." well, the driving force is all around me. why do i refuse its work in my life?

the deconstruction of man

2005-03-26T00:34:00.000-07:00

matthew 19

14 Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

the more you learn, the more you realize just how much you don't know.

its always this maddening puzzle, life, i mean. its like we want to know what's going on, but the harder we try to figure it out the more we realize just how impossibly entangled we've gotten ourselves. and then there comes this point when we just stop trying and start accepting. its like life begins rolling at a pace that whispers "i know something you don't know" and for all these years we keep chasing the echo of the unattained answer and then one day we awaken just long enough to realize, like a jaded lover, that we will never figure it out. and so we give up. we stop trying and we start living. for the moment. we give into our addictions, we listen to our cravings and we stop caring. numb. it really doesn't matter anymore because we will never win. it has already won and the more we chase the more we find ourselves enslaved. if we just stop caring, the throbbing ache to know stops prodding at our hearts.

at least for a little while.

17“Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good..."

how silly of me to think any sort of goodness actually has something to do with me!
i guess things have to get worse before they can get better.
its like we have to be torn down to the ugly, raw truth of who we are. what we're made up of. before Christ can make anything out of us.

21Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

the sweet thing is, He doesn't mind seeing that side of us...the really real side...in all its ugly depravity.

22When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.

maybe its me who doesn't want to see that side of myself...why is it that the greatest thing i fear is me?

29And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. 30But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

in one swift blow. this brief passage records Jesus' ultimate undermining theology that undoes every great thing man has done.
"go back to being children" He tells us.

perhaps numbness is not the answer, but the turning point.
maybe our post-modern culture is closer to the heart of Christ than they realize.

its like day...but...not.

2005-03-25T00:57:00.000-07:00

tonight i am looking out my window and it is one of the most beautiful evenings...ever! ;o)

you know how when it snows and then the light of the moon reflects off of everything at night and it kinda seems like its not even night?

i love that.

i think i love it most because its so unexpected. there are a lot of good things in life that i look forward to and that i place some sort of hope in offering me a bit of joy...a momentary glimpse of glory in the midst of the chaos of life...but its those moments in life when i least expect an opportunity for joy and it comes up from behind me and takes ahold of me with surprising sweetness that often prove to be the most memorable.

the paradox i encounter is that in the moments when i least expect pain and it intersects my life i find myself the most unconsolably hurt.

i guess i will always have opportunities for both joy and pain in my life and i am learning that it really doesn't matter so much.

what matters most in being sure of what i hope for and certain of what i do not see.

there's this song that i learned in nicaragua that says "eres tu el todopoderoso, eres tu la unica verdad" and they sing it over and over again. its cool becuase when i totally fix myself on the almightiness and ultimate Truth of Christ in my life, when i meditate and ruminate on the simple Truth that God is truly GOD...Hashem...Adonoy!... everything else begins to fade into the backround and the aches and pains...the distracting thoughts of unnatained joys...it all just kinda melts into the darkness and its totally ok just to enjoy the beauty of being near Christ...and there will always be more snowy nights to look forward to...plenty of unexpected joys...i needn't trouble myself with planning future joys 'cause they'll find me out.

oswald chambers

2005-03-18T11:16:00.000-07:00

perfecting holiness in the fear of God. II Corinthians 7:1

Is God getting His way with me, and are other people beginning to see God in my life more and more?

so this is growing old

2005-03-15T23:00:00.000-07:00

i guess part of growing up is learning that things rarely go your way. my roomate said something very profound when i was feeling pathetically sorry for myself. i was watching a movie where it ends with the guys not getting the girl he loves because she's married already and her husband comes back into her life after a series of events...anyways...as i was wallowing in my sorrows and wanting the whole world to pity me he smiled and laughed at the drama at the end of the movie and said "heaven forbid we don't get everything we want!"...maybe he was talking more to me than the movie. i guess i need to learn to soak up all the joys that surround me right now. i was looking through some old pics from college that were stored on my computer. God has blessed me with such an amazing network of loving and awesome people, and even if it all passed away, i could still draw from the well that offers the life that is truly life. soooooo i guess life isn't really "rainbows and butterflies" but, its that raw emotion...even when its sucky...that etches character into us and makes life rich!

2005-03-15T22:58:00.000-07:00

oh the joys of good friends ;o)

"golly gee..."

2005-03-14T13:48:00.000-07:00

well, even when life is crappy i have learned that God gives us precious gifts as reminders of His vast love for us...usually in the places we least expect. the real, deep love of the people God places in our lives is so much better than having as much ben and jerry's as i could consume...or even getting to watch breakfast at tiffany's every day!

2005-03-11T12:56:00.000-07:00

i guess more often than not i have no idea what i am talking about, but i especially feel at a loss today.

maybe part of the problem is that i truly, deeply find myself without even the slightest bit of energy to muster a word to say, a thought to think, or a single thing to do.

i could be cute and trite and cliched and spiritual, but i don't really feel like it. i could post a quote or a verse or lyrics from a song that are really inspiring, but i don't feel inspired.

i kind of feel like cussing or just yelling really loud or maybe both together.

it all just seems so cruel and difficult to swallow...kind of like when you run really hard and then you stop because you're lungs are burning and there's nothing you can do to catch your breath except work though the painful gasps and hope that slowly you will begin to really breath again.

this would be a good time to be a poet or something kind of artistic and melancholy. maybe i will take up beat-poetry...i hear almost anyone can do it...or just break out my guitar and write songs that talk a lot about cigarettes and jaded romances.

well, i guess the next best thing is lots of ben and jerry's and watching breakfast at tiffany's...hey i don't know anyone who took a shaft with more elgance than audrey hepburn.

oswald chambers

2005-03-08T15:13:00.000-07:00

If you are up against the question of relinquishing, go through the crisis, relinquish all, and God will make you fit for all that He requires of you.

what if...

2005-03-07T15:56:00.000-07:00

"nay, in all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us."

Romans 8:37

blessed are the poor in spirit...

this morning i was processing with a good friend the political and social issues surrounding Christ's call to live as peacmakers.

blessed are those who mourn...

what does it mean to truly be more than conquerors in Christ? what does it mean to face opposition and personal persecution as a Christian? in a really real way i am not sure i have ever processed these questions.

blessed are the meek...

i can be semi-confident of what this means in my personal spiritual life...but how does this same concept intersect the lives of those who i encounter in my day-to-day life? would they truly see me as a proactive peacmaker?

blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness...

what does it mean to be a peacmaker, as an american, whose military is currently attacking countries that threaten my homeland's security?

blessed are the merciful...

do i underestimate the far-reaching power of Christ? do i too hastily limit His movement to only the spiritual realm? (the words of chadrach, meshach, and abednego echo in my mind...see daniel 3:16-18)

blessed are the pure in heart...

Undaunted radiance is not built on anything passing, but on the love of God that nothing can alter. The experiences of life, terrible or monotonous, are impotent to touch the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Oswald Chambers

blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

matthew 5:3-10

maureen gold...loving wife, mother, sister and friend

2005-03-04T09:18:00.000-07:00

i have been blessed to observe one of the most beautiful creations of our great God unfolding before my eyes over the past few weeks, and today it struck me just how passively i have observed the awesome movements of our Creator.

i visited my good friend timmy's blog (http://potergoodness.blogspot.com) and he was talking about how we are all created in Christ as God's workmanship...each of us, little pieces of art, invented, designed and put into motion by The Artist! the beauty of this picture in my mind began to highlight all the ways i have seen God's hand moving in my life and the lives of those i love over the past few weeks.

yesterday i attended the funeral of my dear friend's mother. she was only 55 and died of liver cancer. one of the most dedicated nutrionists i ever knew...always sending me articles about things like coQ-10, msm...etc. and in life's bitter irony, her soul was lifted from this planet so much sooner than anyone would have expected.

it was weird because i really hadn't taken the time to process her death, the loss of her presence, and the really real impact that would have on the life of my precious friend (who has just become a mother herself), the impact it would have on my own mother (who was very close to her), or even the impact it would have on myself.

yesterday afternoon, as i sat in a sanctuary filled...really filled...with so many people who had felt the touch of this woman in their lives i was overwhelmed with the realization of the awesome awesome tapestry that our heavenly Father weaves as He slowly and unassumingly weaves the lives of His precious children together...i lifted my head and realized i sat in a room overflowing with my brothers and sisters!

in a sense, we are all together in eternity right now. all of us...whose souls belong to Christ...are already in heaven together, although time chooses to hold some of us on this spinning globe for a season...there are those who have gone ahead of us to join our souls in heaven where we will all one day be and really already are.

it is a paradox i can hardly begin to wrap my mind around...but what it brings to light for me is the beauty of the body of Christ so very very real as it is manifested in the network of christian souls that are being knit together here on earth moment by moment!

from my perspective, it is this community...His Church...the Body...a temple of living stones...that i all too often take for granted and overlook. seize it! take hold of it! we are the manifestation of heaven on earth! together we are the pocket of eternity that presently intersects this finite world.

ha!

2005-02-25T14:46:00.000-07:00

do you ever feel like you are just about to burst inside and you don't even know why? i feel like some days life makes perfect sense and i feel so very sure of what is going on all around me and then there are the more frequent moments when i feel like i am at a complete and utter loss. am i the only one who feels like i am on crazy pills?! and what exactly is it that makes me feel so psychotic? i don't even know.
the people i know and love most dearly prove to be more enigmatic than my intuitively-challenged heart can handle, life decisions seem wholly and utterly unscaleable and worst of all, i don't even seem to know myself. who's hands are those on the keyboard typing? who's eyes do i look into in the mirror every morning?
la la la la la l al al al ala al alala a la lla la al
sometimes i just want to run in circles and shout and holler a bit...hoping either to prove to myself that i am clinically deranged or to simply let out a little crazy-steam ;o) either way, i would like to tell myself its perfectly normal and expected to have a few loco days...right?!

a small, strange epiphany

2005-02-21T15:09:00.000-07:00

i have a friend who has strong opinions regarding american "free enterprise" and the concept of "the man." his passionate stance always makes me smile and i am often filled with inquistive-ness, curious to more fully understand why he holds his views on american businesses.
as the daughter of a fairly successful businessman, raised in upper-middle class american suburbia, living off of starbuck's lattes and einstein's bagels, it is hard for me to fully appreciate the inherent evil in the large corporations that i consider "home." so yesterday was a trip back to reality as i experienced a little bit of the joy that perhaps my friend so passionately believes in.
as i finally begin to grow-up and take hold of life for myself, as a young adult trying to figure out how i am going to sustain myself through this crazy life, i am finally faced with the decision to choose for myself what i consider to be a reasonable means of income and how much it really is going to cost me to survive ;o)
the crazy realization...not as much as i thought!
i always assumed that i would need tens of thousands of dollars rolling in every year just to make ends meet, but the cool thing is we can live off of a lot less than that and the scary truth is that we probably should be living off of a lot less than that!
my friend told me that rich mullins used to donate 90% of his income to the church and live off of the remaining 10%...even for a successful musician that is a pretty modest budget to live with! but he did it and i am realizing i can too!
what a joy to realize that i have been stressing over money just because i never realized how little i need it! :o)