"girls in white dresses..."

i learned a valuable lesson today.

i have been sick for the last several days and in a leap of unprecidented tenaciousness i took the last two days of work off...no apologies! i essentially spent the entire day yesterday sleeping, other than a brief hour that demanded my awake-ness in order to drive to the doctor's office. but today i laid around my apartment and really did absolutley nothing for a whole eighteen hours! it was probably the most productively unproductive day of the year ( i guess that's not too hard to manage considering its only january 14th!) nonetheless, i think an important lesson awaited me in this day o' nothingness.

through this journey of "recovering-sinner trying to rediscover her innocence" i am deeply aware of the moments when my childhood sneaks up on me and overwhelms me to the point that i have to stand up, look around me, and remind myself i am 22 years old and that life isn't waiting for me to "jump-in" anymore. you know those moments when you just want to curl up into a little ball tucked under your grandma's amazingly ugly brown and orange afghan, close your eyes and pretend you havn't a care in the world? those are the moments i live for -- because i really think therein lies the secret. all the difficult things i have faced no longer haunt me, i still believe in true deep love, i believe in glory and heroes...just the way the world should be. all the hurt, the pain, the anger i can't seem to shake...for a moment it all melts away.

when did i become so calloused?

why is it that when a cheesey love song comes on the radio i roll my eyes and see it as just that? when was the moment that i stopped daydreaming of my prince charming and started cursing men in my head? when did love become a fantasy and anger my reality? and what would it take to reclaim my childish ways?

everyone talks about discovering your inner child...but what about our outer child? why is it that maturity requires cynicism and sarcastic apathy when it comes to interacting with one another? instead of a friendly hello, our youth expect nothing short of a questioning glance in their direction and some sort of undercutting comment on their appearance, their music or their choice in friends. it is ingrained in us from those impressionable teen years...play hardball or get yourself socially annihlated.

when it comes to sarcasm, i am the cheif of sinners. always leary of anything remotely "touching" i find it much safer to scoff and look the other direction than to dangerously embrace anyone's humble attempt to forego social expectations of hardness and cynicism.

i suppose today was a day of great discovery for me because as i sat and watched old westerns with my grandma...something i would never choose to normally spend an entire day doing...a sneaky, familiar feeling began to creep up on me. i didn't feel so alone and at the same time i didn't feel like a really needed anyone around to feel complete. the longer i just rested...watching petite blond little southern "fillies" protecting their innocence all the while never refusing the hand of a gallant young man as he helped her sweet frame into his wagon...i caught myself less inclined to roll my eyes and slowly enchanted by the simple romance (however grossly hyperbolic it may have been).

perhaps the world isn't watching me as closely as i once thought...or at least hoped...or dreaded. perhaps our roles in this world are much simpler than we allow them to be.

in a postmodern culture so caught up in its blurred lines, resigned gender roles and incessant promotion for tolerance...it is no wonder that the small but admirable lives of the few chivalrous and lovely people left in this world get passed of as cliched, old-fashioned, up-tight victorians who will never amount to much and who will never have a chance at making a true impact on their culture that speaks a very different language.

but perhaps we don't speak such a different language after all...perhaps we just don't take the time often enough to realize the whispers of our hearts long for the simplicity and the order of a life that comes so much more naturally than we even realize.