my cell phone is my nemesis.

i have considered getting another one, maybe a samsung or an LG would serve me better than my little pink razr, but i have decided that wouldn't be enough. perhaps i should hold out for the latest and greatest from steve jobs. but even a phone that could send emails, sync with my computer's operating system and play videos would probably not suffice.

its not that i don't love talking with people, its just that (maybe) i almost love it too much. and unanswered voicemails are one of the most difficult things for me to accept. right now, on my stickies i have a list, and i feel like it is growing in the wrong direction, of people i need to call. and not just to call up out of the blue and say hello, but to apologetically dial up and try to graciously convince them that i hadn't forgotten or that i didn't not want to call, but really truly i couldn't.

sometimes you can't return a phone call because there isn't enough time, sometimes you can't return a phone call because there is enough time but because the environment isn't conducive. ie. while i'm sitting in class or in the shower or at a study group or in the waiting room at the hospital or while aunt agnes is recounting (in minute detail) the events of her last medical procedure...these are all good times of the day to chat, and they are often hours spent doing absolutely nothing, but alas, i cannot handle the disapproving stares!

and of course there are times that just aren't good times to chat with one's friend -- like somewhere between the hours of 2 and 6 am, because sometimes i find myself lying awake during those hours of the day thinking about all the people i should call or should-have called and i wonder why i can't just take care of it right then. of course this rule doesn't completely apply. like for my friends half away around the globe, i suppose, that might be a very convenient time, but i am not very good at math at two in the morning and i might get confused and say 'good evening!' when i should have said 'good afternoon!'

but worst of all are the calls that you just can't make because everytime your fingers are held poised above the keys to dial, you're paralyzed. utterly and inexplicably paralyzed. i wish i could explain the phenomenon, but i can only speak from an experiential point of view. it is terribly terrible. and i often use my restless morning hours to think of the antidote, but as of yet, there in none. they are those difficult conversations with those people you love so much it hurts, that are sometimes the hardest, but most necessary conversations ever to be had in life. but until i discover the root of my frozen finger syndrome, my telephone taunts me. it rests so unassumingly on my nightstand, but it whispers of my failure, my inability to follow through. oh cell phone! some day i will prove to you that i am bigger than you think!