christening

for my birthday a friend of mine gave me a leatherman...definitely one of the most practical and useful birthday gifts i've ever gotten...not to mention quite memorable ;o) anyways, tonight i felt like i reached a deeper level of intimacy with my leatherman. it was kinda like our bonding moment. i was super excited because i needed some sort of handy little tool for fixing the dust pan thingy at work. then i realized i did have the perfect tool! i finished my little project with seemless ease and i was so proud of my resourceful handy-ness...it was great! anyways, as i was finishing up, i used the cute little knife part to cut some electrical tape and as i sliced through the tape i failed to stop my upward motion before the very sharp little knife sliced right into my finger...eek! it really didn't do much damage, but as i looked at the drops of blood on my sweet leatherman i smiled as the words of wisdom my friend gave me rang in my head..."just be careful with the knife, i cut myself a few times when i first got my leatherman." i was so excited to know i was a true leatherman owner now! i felt like i passed some sort of initiation milestone. anyways, its great to be closer than ever to my great little tool and i feel like i have entered some sort of inner-circle now.

oswald chambers

well i was going to post a cool quote from ozzie (which probably would have been more interesting than this entry) but then i was wondering if anyone remembers tomagotchi's.
when i was like twelve i had a little vitual monkey. he was purple and he got very irritated in the middle of the night when i forgot to give him his daily ration of bananas....hmmm. i often worried that i would be a terrible mother when i got older. my virtual pet would be chirpping in the bottom of my dresser drawer where i had absently placed him days earlier and i would eagerly jump out of bed to see what he was demanding this time.
what a strange little fad those vitual pets were??? kinda like slap bracelets. they really served no function. they got pretty annoying after awhile, and yet they could be so entertaining at the same time!
anyways, i thought of my little virtual monkey for the first time in many many years because tonight my cell phone was beeping in its funky little way when i have neglected to charge it for a little too long. as i responded to it in my normal strangeness saying "don't worry little cell phone i'll get you some juicey charge" i realized perhaps i haven't learned as much as i would like to think i have since those childhood virtual pet days! huh ;o)

happy easter friends!

on my to-do list:
i must apologize to those closest to me because, as of late, i have not made much of an attempt to be a good reflection of the perfect Love that has so graaciously captured my small heart.

today was a day set apart to meditate on the greatest manifestation of Love this world has ever seen. oh! the heart of Christ! if only i could truly grasp the depth of such true affection. in all honesty, i did not make use of this precious holiday as much as i would have hoped...time escaped me and so here i sit with a heavy heart. there is a burning in my eyesas the reality of Christ's love for us causes me to work just to catch my breath.

what is love that i should know a single thing about its workings in my life?

phileo and storge surround me, (eros elludes me!) agape refreshes my soul and epithumia drives me to keep expecting more out of each day. but all too often i have a way of overlooking, underappreciating and wholly disregarding the very vehichles of Love which God tries so persistently to use to intersect my life and infuse me with His Great Gift.

life is kinda weird right now. in all honesty, i'm a little scared. what's to come? am i really finally leaving? how will i survive? will i ever find the romance i've always dreamt of?...this silly blinking cursor taunts me...what more do i have to say?...i guess its just that verse...the one that says "perfect love drives out fear." well, the driving force is all around me. why do i refuse its work in my life?

the deconstruction of man

matthew 19

14 Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”


the more you learn, the more you realize just how much you don't know.

its always this maddening puzzle, life, i mean. its like we want to know what's going on, but the harder we try to figure it out the more we realize just how impossibly entangled we've gotten ourselves. and then there comes this point when we just stop trying and start accepting. its like life begins rolling at a pace that whispers "i know something you don't know" and for all these years we keep chasing the echo of the unattained answer and then one day we awaken just long enough to realize, like a jaded lover, that we will never figure it out. and so we give up. we stop trying and we start living. for the moment. we give into our addictions, we listen to our cravings and we stop caring. numb. it really doesn't matter anymore because we will never win. it has already won and the more we chase the more we find ourselves enslaved. if we just stop caring, the throbbing ache to know stops prodding at our hearts.









at least for a little while.

17“Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good..."

how silly of me to think any sort of goodness actually has something to do with me!
i guess things have to get worse before they can get better.
its like we have to be torn down to the ugly, raw truth of who we are. what we're made up of. before Christ can make anything out of us.

21Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

the sweet thing is, He doesn't mind seeing that side of us...the really real side...in all its ugly depravity.

22When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.

maybe its me who doesn't want to see that side of myself...why is it that the greatest thing i fear is me?

29And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. 30But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

in one swift blow. this brief passage records Jesus' ultimate undermining theology that undoes every great thing man has done.
"go back to being children" He tells us.

perhaps numbness is not the answer, but the turning point.
maybe our post-modern culture is closer to the heart of Christ than they realize.

its like day...but...not.

tonight i am looking out my window and it is one of the most beautiful evenings...ever! ;o)

you know how when it snows and then the light of the moon reflects off of everything at night and it kinda seems like its not even night?

i love that.

i think i love it most because its so unexpected. there are a lot of good things in life that i look forward to and that i place some sort of hope in offering me a bit of joy...a momentary glimpse of glory in the midst of the chaos of life...but its those moments in life when i least expect an opportunity for joy and it comes up from behind me and takes ahold of me with surprising sweetness that often prove to be the most memorable.

the paradox i encounter is that in the moments when i least expect pain and it intersects my life i find myself the most unconsolably hurt.

i guess i will always have opportunities for both joy and pain in my life and i am learning that it really doesn't matter so much.

what matters most in being sure of what i hope for and certain of what i do not see.

there's this song that i learned in nicaragua that says "eres tu el todopoderoso, eres tu la unica verdad" and they sing it over and over again. its cool becuase when i totally fix myself on the almightiness and ultimate Truth of Christ in my life, when i meditate and ruminate on the simple Truth that God is truly GOD...Hashem...Adonoy!... everything else begins to fade into the backround and the aches and pains...the distracting thoughts of unnatained joys...it all just kinda melts into the darkness and its totally ok just to enjoy the beauty of being near Christ...and there will always be more snowy nights to look forward to...plenty of unexpected joys...i needn't trouble myself with planning future joys 'cause they'll find me out.

oswald chambers

perfecting holiness in the fear of God. II Corinthians 7:1

Is God getting His way with me, and are other people beginning to see God in my life more and more?

so this is growing old

i guess part of growing up is learning that things rarely go your way. my roomate said something very profound when i was feeling pathetically sorry for myself. i was watching a movie where it ends with the guys not getting the girl he loves because she's married already and her husband comes back into her life after a series of events...anyways...as i was wallowing in my sorrows and wanting the whole world to pity me he smiled and laughed at the drama at the end of the movie and said "heaven forbid we don't get everything we want!"...maybe he was talking more to me than the movie. i guess i need to learn to soak up all the joys that surround me right now. i was looking through some old pics from college that were stored on my computer. God has blessed me with such an amazing network of loving and awesome people, and even if it all passed away, i could still draw from the well that offers the life that is truly life. soooooo i guess life isn't really "rainbows and butterflies" but, its that raw emotion...even when its sucky...that etches character into us and makes life rich!

oh the joys of good friends ;o) 

"golly gee..."

well, even when life is crappy i have learned that God gives us precious gifts as reminders of His vast love for us...usually in the places we least expect. the real, deep love of the people God places in our lives is so much better than having as much ben and jerry's as i could consume...or even getting to watch breakfast at tiffany's every day!

i guess more often than not i have no idea what i am talking about, but i especially feel at a loss today.

maybe part of the problem is that i truly, deeply find myself without even the slightest bit of energy to muster a word to say, a thought to think, or a single thing to do.

i could be cute and trite and cliched and spiritual, but i don't really feel like it. i could post a quote or a verse or lyrics from a song that are really inspiring, but i don't feel inspired.

i kind of feel like cussing or just yelling really loud or maybe both together.

it all just seems so cruel and difficult to swallow...kind of like when you run really hard and then you stop because you're lungs are burning and there's nothing you can do to catch your breath except work though the painful gasps and hope that slowly you will begin to really breath again.

this would be a good time to be a poet or something kind of artistic and melancholy. maybe i will take up beat-poetry...i hear almost anyone can do it...or just break out my guitar and write songs that talk a lot about cigarettes and jaded romances.

well, i guess the next best thing is lots of ben and jerry's and watching breakfast at tiffany's...hey i don't know anyone who took a shaft with more elgance than audrey hepburn.

oswald chambers

If you are up against the question of relinquishing, go through the crisis, relinquish all, and God will make you fit for all that He requires of you.

what if...

"nay, in all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us."

Romans 8:37

blessed are the poor in spirit...

this morning i was processing with a good friend the political and social issues surrounding Christ's call to live as peacmakers.

blessed are those who mourn...

what does it mean to truly be more than conquerors in Christ? what does it mean to face opposition and personal persecution as a Christian? in a really real way i am not sure i have ever processed these questions.

blessed are the meek...

i can be semi-confident of what this means in my personal spiritual life...but how does this same concept intersect the lives of those who i encounter in my day-to-day life? would they truly see me as a proactive peacmaker?

blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness...

what does it mean to be a peacmaker, as an american, whose military is currently attacking countries that threaten my homeland's security?

blessed are the merciful...

do i underestimate the far-reaching power of Christ? do i too hastily limit His movement to only the spiritual realm? (the words of chadrach, meshach, and abednego echo in my mind...see daniel 3:16-18)

blessed are the pure in heart...

Undaunted radiance is not built on anything passing, but on the love of God that nothing can alter. The experiences of life, terrible or monotonous, are impotent to touch the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Oswald Chambers

blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God. blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

matthew 5:3-10

maureen gold...loving wife, mother, sister and friend

i have been blessed to observe one of the most beautiful creations of our great God unfolding before my eyes over the past few weeks, and today it struck me just how passively i have observed the awesome movements of our Creator.

i visited my good friend timmy's blog (http://potergoodness.blogspot.com) and he was talking about how we are all created in Christ as God's workmanship...each of us, little pieces of art, invented, designed and put into motion by The Artist! the beauty of this picture in my mind began to highlight all the ways i have seen God's hand moving in my life and the lives of those i love over the past few weeks.

yesterday i attended the funeral of my dear friend's mother. she was only 55 and died of liver cancer. one of the most dedicated nutrionists i ever knew...always sending me articles about things like coQ-10, msm...etc. and in life's bitter irony, her soul was lifted from this planet so much sooner than anyone would have expected.

it was weird because i really hadn't taken the time to process her death, the loss of her presence, and the really real impact that would have on the life of my precious friend (who has just become a mother herself), the impact it would have on my own mother (who was very close to her), or even the impact it would have on myself.

yesterday afternoon, as i sat in a sanctuary filled...really filled...with so many people who had felt the touch of this woman in their lives i was overwhelmed with the realization of the awesome awesome tapestry that our heavenly Father weaves as He slowly and unassumingly weaves the lives of His precious children together...i lifted my head and realized i sat in a room overflowing with my brothers and sisters!

in a sense, we are all together in eternity right now. all of us...whose souls belong to Christ...are already in heaven together, although time chooses to hold some of us on this spinning globe for a season...there are those who have gone ahead of us to join our souls in heaven where we will all one day be and really already are.

it is a paradox i can hardly begin to wrap my mind around...but what it brings to light for me is the beauty of the body of Christ so very very real as it is manifested in the network of christian souls that are being knit together here on earth moment by moment!

from my perspective, it is this community...His Church...the Body...a temple of living stones...that i all too often take for granted and overlook. seize it! take hold of it! we are the manifestation of heaven on earth! together we are the pocket of eternity that presently intersects this finite world.