why i won't be buying those airline tickets to paris this fall

free your mind!!!!

so today my friend and i were talking about childhood memories; how back in the day our worlds were filled with wonder and mystery, there was so much to be discovered, so much to hope for and look forward to.

maybe it doesn't happen like this for everyone, but there was a moment in time when i think my life came to a schreeching halt, when i collided with the most unmerciful wall of apathy that sapped every last ounce of child-like energy from my soul.

i have spent the last twelve months in recovery.

sometimes i still have a tendency to look in all the wrong places for my healing salve. there are all the quick fixes that come in many shapes and sizes. i see them every day on billboards, magazines, in the window of the nearsest gap...i even sell them for $3.49 a pop to unknowing patrons day in and day out.

and then there's the good stuff. the really really good stuff. it usually requires a little more energy on my part, a little sacrifice and planning.
its a really good long chat on the phone with my best friend from high-school, or sitting down and taking the time to watch the clouds on the sky, going for an afternoon run or spening some much-needed time in the Word.

that's the good stuff, that digs deep into my soul and stirrs up that "inner-child," reminding me that this world is still so much bigger than i could ever imagine. living in our instant gratification world, industrialized by businesses that will offer me a placebo for a buck sevent-five can be treacherous to my searching, hungry soul. i am led to believe that because i control the destiny of my latte...down to the very degrees to which it will be heated, i must hold the keys the mystery of the universe...turns out out be quite a disappointment when i look down at my keyring to find the only keys i hold go to a 1994 buick regal ;o)

another friend of mine told me he was going to be pretty pissed at God if he died alone. that got me to thinking about my plans for the future. i used to think i wanted to travel. but i've decided i don't really want to see rome until i can share it with my husband, and i don't really care to visit the mayan ruins until i can share it with my kids. there is more to life than simply "doing it all"...
its about what you soak up along the way.

sometimes i guess i just have to get outside of the happy-meal box long enough to realized how mysterious and wonder-filled this world...the one right here, in front of me this very instant...really is.

a friend from church said "realizing that one is a child of God should be enough to snap one out of depression forever."

i am a child of God...

i am a child,

of God.

wuts that??

maybe this is a little werid, but i am so excited because i caught two rainbow trout this weekend.

i was mostly excited to get to clean a fish with my leatherman.

i think some of the people around me thought i was completely loca because when i caught the first one, i started jumping up and down and screaming and my dad was like " you better reel the dang thing in before you lose it!" its been awhile since i've been fishing and i forgot just how much i love it...even just bait fishing. its so amazing to sit in the sunshine and soak up the beauty of the nature that surrounds you. even if you don't catch a single thing, it can be such a rejuventating and inspiring adventure! but when that first fish caught hold of my line it was like i was a little kid again and i couldn't even help it! every muscle in my body tensed, and my heart starting beating quickly as i focused on winding in my prized catch!...would it be a big one or just a little minnow? ;o) i guess i am a little crazy...ha! nonetheless, i need to make more of an effort to enjoy the simply joys that i so often overlook. i am never deprived of things to do, just the drive to actually do them.

overcast foreshadowing

so...i haven't been feeling too well for the past four or five days and tonight at work was the worst i've felt. a few of my co-workers diagnosed the source of my current ailments to be our rare and unusual weather. they said i am too used to the sun and once this crazy weird overcast/rainy/snowy damp coldness passes and i get to see the sunshine once again i will be a-ok. soooooo...what if its true? this worries me because i have thoughts of moving to the northwest. is this a chronic problem that will prove incurable without consistent sunlight? or will i be able to adjust to the lack of uv-ness my body seems to be painfully addicted to?